The third admission for their commission

So the story goes like this

Anything but tranquility or bliss

I had a third admission

To reference the date

4am 1st February 2008

And met a good friend there

They’d never understand her state

I thought to myself

A spiritual illness

She was jumping souls

Past lives and time

A good friend still now

But to help her

I didn’t know how

Because I knew these doctors

Weren’t schooled in spiritual thought

Their knowledge was limited

Not what they had been taught

I was sectioned for the second time

The only way they could get their drugs into me

But what they had underestimated

And failed to see

Was that I was well educated

And had a sharp mind

I learned the system

The research wasn’t hard to find

I puked up and spat out the Abilify

It tasted acidic but had given it a try

I was told it won’t affect my weight which was important to me

I needed my body, my tool, free to be

My psychiatrist was mean

Howlett, she’s known well

Kept me locked up for almost three months

And put me through hell

Not allowed to run or swim

Or even go outside the ward

An anorexic control freak

It was written on her beak

She tried to hide all her issues

Being the professional

I just wanted to pass her the tissues

I wrote poems about every bird

The sequel to Cats

Inspired by TS Elliot

I wrote to Andrew Lloyd Webber

And got a reply

He was busy with something else

So I put that on the shelf

I won my second free tribunal

With a lawyer who tried to postpone the date

He didn’t have much confidence

But I knew my fate

At 12noon 28th April 2008

I walked out of there

And started to really care

About all who’d come before me

And all who were yet to come

I didn’t want to become a revolving door patient

How was I gonna learn

Find my art, music and writing

I’d never felt such a yearn

So a few months passed

And I decided to get a degree

Medicine no less, I needed to learn their education

Physics, Chemistry, Biology and Maths

Lambeth College Access to Medicine

September 2008

Get my brain engaged

I was taking Abilify to appease the shrink

But as I started to study

I realised I couldn’t think

I lowered my medication from ten to five milligrams

My boyfriend at the time didn’t really notice a thing

I was going a little faster

But what I needed to bring

From the help of an educational psychologist

Who taught me to study

I have comprehension dyslexia

And had struggled with exams

Getting As and Bs

But less than teachers had expected

I was a scholarship student

And in the first stream for maths

I needed to learn how to pass

And excel with a Distinction

I did just that in every subject

Getting 100% in maths

My tutor gave me an excellent review

My personal statement was controversial

But who knew?

I described the importance of allergies, intolerances and nutrition

Helped save my house lady’s child

From a disastrous allergy to dairy

What I didn’t know and it was in their fruition

They didn’t teach much about food

How could you not study what goes into the body

How useless and basic was every case study

I didn’t hear a thing and my tutor didn’t know why

I waited and waited

Eventually plucking up the courage to ring

Kings College London

What had I done wrong?

Applied to 101 course when I wasn’t allowed to study that extended medical degree

Why had I not done my research

And learned to see

That due to my education which was first class

I was only allowed to do a five year course

The correct code was 100

So what to do now?

Apply for medicine through ‘Extra’

And learn how

But my confidence failed me

And I didn’t think I’d get in

So I applied for Pharmacology

To see what that might bring

The intention was to study that

And move on to Medicine

Then to Research

Having learnt every medication

I applied through ‘Extra’ with fierce

Dedication

I got an Unconditional Offer

Probably due to my tutor’s review

And Distinction

So here’s to Kings and what ensued

September 2009

So you know the time

I was in the lab

Learning chemistry and the rest

I got distracted by hockey playing for every team

I felt like they’d lost track

I was losing my dream

Medicine is not an art

It’s a science

Maybe my brain’s not wired that way

I went to hockey and continued to play

For the 1st’s and the 2nds

Every team when they needed a player

I was a committed sportswoman

And determined to be a stayer

But the amount of time spent on nutrition

It was a joke

I thought to myself

Decided to change courses

To Nutrition or Psychiatric Nursing

It was early 2010

Having just witnessed a recession in full flow

There were medic protests on the go

Due to their underpay

I started to think about my course

If I was to do Pharmacology then Medicine then Research

I’d be £100k in debt

A life full of hospitals

Would I be inept?

And I was losing faith in their medicine

This was not Primum Non Nocere

What I was learning

My story inside me was totally burning

So I left Kings College London

After only a year

And I went to Spain with my niece

And friends of my brother’s

But having hard stopped the 5mg of Abilify

I wasn’t giving myself a chance

I had forgotten the Diazepam

Which helped me sleep

Went three sleepless nights

And started to see double

Played tennis with George

Debated with Zac

Trying to keep it together

How were they to know

I was totally losing track

I got back to London as high as a kite

My mother saw it in my eyes

As she always does

I was determined to go off and see Sophia

But with very little sleep

I was losing my mind

Lack of it affects us in different ways

But if I don’t sleep

My mind will certainly stray

It starts with daydreaming

And then I start to go

Up to the heavens

No longer on earth

My family try to reach me

But I’m not in my body

Once I was catatonic

And I can tell you

It wasn’t funny

So back to Queen Mary’s it was time to go

I hadn’t eaten a proper meal in weeks

Skinny eight stone

I went down on the scales so low

01:47 13th September 2010

My fourth admission

And my third section

How else were they to get their drugs in me

I would simply still never let them

Give them voluntarily to me

So back to the drawing board

What was I to do?

Take them to tribunal

Or commit to Abilify?

I had my reservations

But was willing to give it another try

So I ripped up my section

So they changed it to three

Did I care?

Not at that point

I just returned their stare

Dr Howlett

Academic but limited in thought

My gift taught me she’d passed

But couldn’t see outside the box

She’ll never understand any of us

That’s the key to our locks

You see to understand madness

Takes a certain type of mind

A bit like a method actor

You have to stand right beside

Learn all of their mannerisms

Childhood and genes

There’s a spiritual aspect

Past lives too

But if you don’t believe in those

You only get one life

If you’re one of those

Then don’t just stare down a test tube

With chemicals

Learn from the indigenous

The ancient, the wisdom

The forgotten medicine

You really need to observe and listen

Without judgement

Doctors are taught they’re God’s greatest gifts

But the best ones you’ll find are humble in thought

For the medically unexplained symptoms

What you were not taught

Is where you’ll find the answers to

The body and the mess

The world’s gone insane

Are you surprised

The sensitive have a delicate brain

They’re all different

Unique in every way

But like something I wrote

‘Every Combination’

I was determined to find the answers

Through no less than meditation

Channeling wisdom but still reading books

There are forgotten methods

We learn from one another

Western medicine with all its greatness

Has a lot to improve on

We have a lot to learn and remember

A little humility and thinking outside the box

Will get you a lot further

Than selling lies like Abilifies

I waited out the section

Doing headstands and yoga all the time

Decided to take Abilify

Just so they’d let me out

Went to my friend’s wedding

And put on a pout

Tati and Sophie were there

Having visited me on every admission

True friends are the best and I never forget

Those who followed me or put me on a pedestal

But the ones who are there for you when your chips are down

You’re lying in the gutter

You know who you are

And I’ll stand by you forever

No matter what journey my life takes

I know my true friends

And I know the fakes