Luminous Rainbow 🌈 Twenties

In the recession it was hard to find a job

So with my qualification

I’d got in a St James’ Secretarial College course

Whilst at the property company

I put my head down with pure dedication

My friend Harry helped me find a job

For a commercial real estate company

I was kind of broken from that fourth admission

Just to set the scene

What was coming and where I’d been

And so to the next chapter and all that entailed

Before I totally and utterly derailed

I was helping out the band Leika

In my free time

Taking photos

Going to gigs and learning the industry

I attended a friend’s engagement party

At a bar called Jerusalem in London

I went into the restaurant and saw

This Union Jack bandana

Hanging from a microphone

Facing me raw

I went to the party

The conversation was ring arty

But my attention was needed elsewhere

I went downstairs

To listen to the musicians play

And saw what that bandana had in store

I wasn’t quite sure at the time

What it was for

A guy named Longy playing the guitar

A trumpet player who played

With beauty and flair

I listened and I searched and looked into the music

I couldn’t walk away from this talent I heard

Something in the voice, the lyrics

I felt like a bird

For they challenged me

And questioned everything I was doing

‘Walk with Fire’

Oh so dire

Trying to understand the code to this guy’s song

It felt like a lifetime

A journey so long

So I stayed with them all night

Joking and fooling around

Going from bar to bar

Was this the band I’d been searching for?

Could I help them?

Literally no one had been listening

In the crowd but me

Could I get them their platform?

Where they deserved to be

The industry was in such a state

An unfair mess

I needed to do something

Creatively I must confess

My job was dull, corporate and dry

These boys had energy

Permission to try

So I followed him to his next two gigs

Ran up to the guy

And said maybe I can help

He brought me in

And a working relationship began

Up at the crack of dawn

Flying off emails

PA PALICE

Was born

It was a nickname I’d had for many a year

My brother first said it to me

So I held it close without fear

There was Longy, Feral Child, Morley, Jimmy Gunn, Palice and Glassman

Everyone had their name

Steal eyed focus

On the A game

I worked and I slept

And got them interviews

Radio plays

And then to the confidential excel spreadsheet

My friend in PR knew the value

I knew the beat

It was a golden briefcase

An envelope to everything

What we’d been needing

While Longy was bleeding

What came next will go down in the history books

It was 2014 and we had our eyes on Glastonbury

For the receivers and the press

Underestimated us even less

Who was to headline

That main stage festival?

Was it Longy? Who was to know

The articles were written

And yes he got to play there

Even supported The Who later

I was part of a team

Fulfilling someone else’s dream

But it gave me a purpose

A mission I was proud of

They now had a crowd

So I took a step back

For what they didn’t know

What I wasn’t allowed

I didn’t tell them my past

Why should they know?

Mire their focus

Lose sight and go

I started to gamble

I was noticing a change

Promiscuous, compulsive over spending

My brain didn’t feel right

I was getting provocative and angry

Losing my shit

The next thing that happened

Basically I behaved like a total tit

I didn’t feel respected or appreciated for my work

Glassman behaved like a total jerk

In fact, that behaviour came later

Give credit where credit’s due

He put a huge amount into that band

An interesting mind

Full of ideas

He certainly took the time

Ideas flying around Nando’s

And a boardroom meeting

At the company’s I was working for

The room had never been put

To such good use

We used the white board

And bounced the ideas around

It was magic

The fact it fell apart

To be honest, in hindsight

Was tragic

It was a great band but mistakes were made

Losing professionalism at certain opportunities

That came about

They had their own way of doing things

I didn’t agree

But being female

I kept my mouth shut

And decided to flee

Things got too much

My money was black jacked away

Longy’ll be fine

I knew he’d be ok

But I knew I needed to research

And find out the truth about Abilify

Why I was losing my way

The evidence was there

Written all over the web

Pathological gambling for people

Who’d never gambled before

Impulsive behaviour, promiscuity, overspending

I couldn’t believe the money I was lending

To all these casinos

And for all my woes

My instincts were right

In that acidic Abilify

The pharmaceutical giants had failed again

And continued to lie

Billion dollar law suits in the States

I needed help massively

But what to do?

I knew from my past

But this private psychiatrist

Hadn’t a clue

I saw him on my private medical insurance

At my new job

I was now an Executive Assistant

For a global private equity firm

They had no idea

I was just researching

There to learn

The companies behind their private projects

The ones that made Olanzapine

And the rest

I knew that I could be my best

So to be honest I just put them to the test

Got my head down

Put the hours in

At night, I would gamble

But eventually my psychiatrist hard stopped Abilify

He researched the drug

Found the evidence in the psychiatric journal

And so quickly the symptoms went away

No more gambling, compulsive over spending or impulsivity

No longer needing to stray

I requested no more anti psychotics

My brain was fried

I was angry and furious

But boy had I tried

He put me on Lamotrigine

A mood stabiliser

A drug supreme

Apparently so but not for me

My mood went up, down and side ways

At every hour I needed to flee

It doesn’t affect your weight

So I was sold

But fuck this story just gets boring and old

Due to hard stopping the meds

I was in hospital again

My fifth admission

Much more than a mission

It was just before Christmas in 2016

This time I was in the Priory in Bromley

A private hospital, I’d never been

Dr Hindler didn’t do what the other doctors had done

Inject me or dose me with what I truly hated

He gave me Lorazepam and I slept

Morning, midday, afternoon and night

For a week no less

I’d worked to the bone

This private equity firm had no idea about why I was there

I mean in the company

Learning what wasn’t fair

I left that hospital only after two weeks

I went back to my flat

And knew I wasn’t right yet

But that’s all the private medical insurance

Would cover

Tell one another

Another sorry mess

For they never cover what you confess

So what’s the bloody point

To any of this insurance at all

You can’t get the help

Even when you know you may fall

I was better by Christmas

But it wasn’t the end

I met a guy

We fell for each other

In a sexual way

I was all over the place

Having hard stopped the meds

He didn’t know what had hit him

Three months and it was over

Just before we broke up I met a girl in Malta

Used my gift to hear the spirits

And passed on a vital message

Forgot all about her and enjoyed the holiday

Until I saw her at the cafe

On my last day

‘You saved my life you know that day

I was gonna put rocks in my pockets

And jump off the cliff

No longer wanting to stay

What you said to me passed on from the other side

Made me realise I didn’t need to die

Or even fly

I can stay here and find my daughter

Thank you so much’

She put her hand to mine with a gentle touch

I knew I had a gift

I’d known for a while

But I tend to block it out

Not get distracted in life

They’re only over the rainbow

And I didn’t want it to cause me strife

The stress of the work

And the effect of Lamotrigine

Was making me sick

I quit my job quick

In such a unique way

Completely going mad

I knew I need not stay

So within a weekend

And a lot of trauma my brother saw

For the first time

I could see it in his eyes

It hit me to the core

2017 admission was the longest one yet

First failed tribunal

They learnt why I needed to win

So they kept me on Lamotrigine

And no anti psychotic

I got so damn ill

I left my body

They couldn’t find my pulse

I knew I had gone

How could I really explain it to them

What they hadn’t been taught

An out of body experience

Of course they wouldn’t know

So guess what happens next

They ask if I’ll take the drugs

I say no

But where they failed to go

Is tell me they’ll inject me

If I don’t take their drugs

A vital mistake

For what they truly take

Is part of your soul

When they inject you again

This time Paliperidol

And it took its toll

What I haven’t told you yet

Is that I would sing through every admission

The corridors had an echo

They would carry my voice

And I’d write and I’d dream

Writing poetry, prose and songs

Another one published it would seem

It was the worst admission

Because I couldn’t make my brother and sister-in-law’s wedding

No permission

Paliperidol affected my body so badly

Gaining weight

Sexual dysfunction

My prolactin was so high

I wasn’t having a baby

It was only when the GP noticed

That they even made a change

What a system to work with

These pathetic drugs

To me these giants

Were no more than mugs

They might be CEOs or billionaires to you

But to me they’re into making money

Not saving lives

That’s all and it’s true

Controlling a brain that they don’t understand

I left that admission when a patient

Became violent

She thought I was a police officer

And was determined to kill me

On 24 hour watch

She stared at me all day

I left her alone

But it was clear to see

This was all going to end in tears

I’m not one for being a martyr or fears

My mother intervened

And wrote a letter from America

Please send her home

With her father

She’ll be safe there

And well looked after

So I left that sixth admission

And guess what happens next

I met the man who I fell in love with

I’ll put that in the next chapter text

But I’m going to leave this for now

Enjoy my holiday

And wipe my brow

The main thing I haven’t mentioned

Is the overwhelming support from

My close family and friends

Their support never goes unnoticed

And my heart is full of love

They were certainly sent

From up above

What doesn’t kill you

Certainly makes you stronger

Maybe I didn’t feel like keeping it to myself

Any longer

I know due to the system

Not everyone will be fine

I’m interested in your story

This just happens to be mine