Pills, Pills, Pills

The never-ending amount

of pills I’ve taken

Foresaken

From the age of seventeen

In adolescence

Florescence

In colour

First it was Olanzapine

That took away my ability

to think

It was pink

Toxic for my brain

And due to being vain

I lost my body

Oddly

I couldn’t concentrate on

my A levels

Or use my mind

Trying hard to find

My thoughts

Scattered organisation became

a mess

From mathematical precision

I confess

I am a neat freak

I find it pleasing to the

eye

But why oh why

are these deadly drugs prescribed

Inside, I truly felt like

I had died

So I left school

Felt like a total fool

So damaged I wanted to

drown

I had totally left my

crown

But kept going

The fight was on

Even though my spirit

had gone

Always titrated off them

too fast

How long was this mayhem

going to last?

I travelled by motorbike

to my appointments with

Dr Shur

But to be honest now

My memory was a

total blur

I couldn’t remember my

dance routines

The lines in films in different

scenes

What was I to do?

At that point I couldn’t

sue

So the revolving door patient

arose

There she goes

Admission after admission

With careful precision

The next pill was

Risperdone

Most of us think it should

be banned

But I had a plan

I’ll take my own life

Because all these pills

Were causing me too much

Strife

I’ll never be anyone’s wife

I threw a knife

At wood

In the garden

I beg your pardon

Travelling through past lives

Transcending time

I was fine

But the world had gone

mad

I screamed at my Dad

Took it out on those around me

Who I loved the most

My parents, any host

With every ghost

Who had a story

Their pain and glory

I knew I could handle it

This journey matters

So I focused on the

mad hatters

I learnt the system

Won every tribunal

and got off my sections

But boy was I bleeding

Needing

To understand why

This had happened to so

many

Watching them count

every penny

try Abilify

It doesn’t affect your

weight Palice

That state

Which I truly hate

I like to be lithe and

lean

Fit, body supreme

I need it for my work

The doctor was a total

jerk

‘What if you get ill Alice?’

She said with control

and malice

‘What would you prefer?’

I said

Try me on Abilify

Or I promise you

I’ll take my life

And die

So the choice was hers

That’s when I stare

And showed her my

truthful glare

‘Ok, ok, we’ll try you on

Abilify’

But then

I couldn’t cry

I lost weight

But was still a stone

heavier

Than my natural, leaner

state

I liked Abilify

And stayed on it for

many years

Reducing it from 10mg

to 5mg

When I was doing my

Access course to Medicine

I asked my boyfriend at

the time if there was a

difference in me,

did he notice?

For I needed to focus

and get that 100%

Distinction in every

subject

And an Unconditional

Offer to Kings College London

Pharmacology

With the intention to

learn every drug in the

book

For what they mistook

I played hockey

Scoring goals

The degree was doing

my head in

I was losing my within

With my story burning

There was such a

desperate yearning

To shout out all their

mistakes

Had we not learnt

anything through the millennia

from the East?

Or was there too much

arrogance in the West

That they had failed to

listen

What about chakras

Meridians, the electro

magnetic field?

This was all about money

and yield

I felt sick to my core

Sure, I understood it

pretty quick

These drugs are a

Trillion dollar industry

A money making machine

So moving on

I worked

Met different bands

Steel eyed focus

On the A game

Learning the craft

For my path

It wasn’t until 2016

That I really fell to my

feet with exhaustion

On Lamotrigine

Which didn’t work at all

A mood stabiliser but not

for me

I was all over the place

in mood

Had lost my stability

Oh the fragility of a

delicate soul

The drugs had really

taken their toll

2017 was the biggest

breakdown I’d even seen

in me

A long admission

Racking up their

commission

I sang my songs

I filmed

I wrote

Did a day of silence

Because I had witnessed

Violence

Being pinned down

And injected

After they couldn’t find

my pulse

I knew I was out of

my body

I wasn’t catatonic this

time

But it wasn’t funny

They prescribed me

Procyclidine

It was truly mean

What it did to my body

My prolactin levels

Went so high

The numbers went out

the window and through

the sky

My GP took note

Not the Psychiatrist

I quote

Do they even care?

What a fucking nightmare

My private psychiatrist

Eventually I went to

see Dr Hindler

He prescribed the Lurasidone

Medications have two

names

Its other name is Latuda

But oh dear

My weight was going

through the roof

I put on four stone

So of course what do I do

I moan

About my state

I told them that’s what I

hate

I’ll take my life, I swear

I’ll take it

And they knew I would

I saw a hormone specialist

who said

Try Metformin with Latuda

off label

Usually prescribed for diabetes

It will help with your

food cravings and appetite

All my clothes I was out

growing

They were too tight

Do you know what it feels

like to be an athlete

or a dancer?

And that’s what these

drugs do

They take away your

ability to move

To flow

To concentrate

To run fast

Indian dribble across

the pitch

I’d only ever played 1st

teams in hockey

For Oxfordshire and

Wiltshire

South of England development

squad

But when I returned

to hockey after 20 years

I’d lost my game

No fame

I couldn’t do what I

used to do

And I can’t tell you

how much it hurts

To lose your play

Why should I stay?

Because thanks to my

boyfriend Tom

My lovely Bear

He used his brilliant

brain and did all

the research into

Withdrawal

From antipsychotics

It takes years but that’s

the journey I’m on

So I haven’t totally gone

mad

Yes there are wobbles

and mania

But I need to ask you

to stick with me

As that’s what these

drugs do

It’s not symptoms of the

illness

It looks like that but

what it actually is, is

what the medication is

doing to my brain

The meds restructure your

brain

Not enough is known

But the research is being

done

I haven’t won

Yet

Perseverance is key

So please stick with me

Or go your own way

I don’t know if I’ll ever

be drug free

True to be

I’ll just write a song

because this journey is so long