Passing through the time
Passively numb
Remembering all the patients
And the damage done
These psychiatrists
They’re never gonna fully understand
Permission to land
So the prognosis
The diagnosis
Of psychosis
One word
To describe
The greatest dream
You’ve ever had
Or your worst nightmare
How do I translate
It into words?
Paint it into verbs?
The first one in 1999
2000
I felt like I was carrying
A child
Hadn’t menstruated
For months
I could hear the heavens
Dr Ewen
In the GP surgery
Cold to the touch
For I had travelled
Too much
Lying down in the
Back of the car
My parents were taking me to the Priory
Of Zion?
No, it was Dr Shur
But before
I could see the stars
The guiding lights
So connected to up above
With pure love
Was I with child?
So to the Priory
And Dr Shur
I remember the room
‘Alice, can you hear me?’
‘Alice, are you hearing voices?’
I stayed silent
Stared right into his soul
Saw his whole
He spoke to my parents
Adolescent Psychosis
Was his diagnosis
Prescribed Olanzapine
Oh, boy that was truly
Mean
So they took me downstairs
To a room
‘Would you like to stay here?’
Oh God, my fear
‘No, I think it will make
Me more ill’
I truly feared the precognition
Of that pill
So my parents took me home
And this is what my poor
Father had to do
Can you imagine?
After everything he had
Been through
At the Priory
The ECT
The damage to his sensitive
Brain
People, I can’t tell you
The pain
What would we gain?
From him giving me
This pill?
Would it make me more
Ill?
So he took it out of the
Packet
The racket of its metal
Jacket
And I took it
What happens next
Is the Devil’s work at best
For I saw all the animals
Dying
The heaven’s I could hear
Crying
My middle name
Carrying no shame
About what was about to
Happen
I bled
I bled a lot
It felt like a miscarriage
My mother pointed
At the dot
I looked at it
Was it really immaculate conception?
For I was a virgin
Why was I bleeding
So much
Why could I hear the
Heaven’s saying
What do we do now?
My higher power
They will never believe me
Will I ever write it down?
The weight of that
Thorned crown
For I was not Jesus
I know who was
I’ll never remind him
My soul mate
There is a reason
We forget
Some things I will never
Reveal
They’re too sacred
I needed to heal
I slept a full night’s sleep
I hadn’t slept for a week
Why couldn’t they have
Just kindly sedated me?
I needed to pray
And keep listening to God
My guardian angels
And spirit guides
This journey is going to be
Long
I’ve written my song
The next day I felt drugged
To the core
Heavily sedated
I couldn’t run
It overtook my brain
The torment and the
Pain
For I yearn
What is there to gain?
Maybe he’s now
Invisible
Flushed away
God will always find
A way
The Holy Spirit
So if my son is invisible
Imagine the power
And his ability to
Heal
But oh Lord this
World is such a mess
The borders on the countries
I confess
There are so many of us
Here
They shall not recognise
You
They will not see it in
Your eyes
There will be my
Disguise
God’s mysterious ways
So many days
I have kept this a
Secret from all of you
Religious delusion?
To me, it felt true
I can feel it in my love
My blood
The chalice
The name Palice
My brother gave to me
For my name is
Alice
My middle name is
Mary
My surname Palau means Palace
My cousin Camilla
St Clair
And my Grandmother
Lulu
St Clair
My great grandfather
Lewis Gower Williams
A vicar
Maybe that is why I
Feel I know the bible
So well
I have never read it
But the chapters just
Come to me
Every word but don’t
Forget
At first there was not
The word
I will explain it
Like a bird
At first there was the
Thought
What you have not
Been taught
For the sacred scriptures
Of every faith and religion
Are often being
Misinterpreted
Misconstrued
That causes me serious
Strife
In this life
I have so much I
Would like to reveal to you
What I feel is true
My psychoses are very
Important to me
The revelations
So please, please, please
Let me be
And I will try to explain
Through the healing of the
Rain
Maybe this is my book
For what you took
From me
And all the patients
Patience is a virtue
Silence is a gift
For I pray
And I will stay
There is so much to write
My possession
The confession
And God’s speed
Running through me
To exorcise
That dark force
The way it felt
To run that fast
Literally supernatural
Speed
The unreal greed
Of that possession
But I will write about it
In another piece
I was 17 years old
I was born on 30th September
1983
So it was the year
2000
You do the maths
You don’t have to believe
Me
To be honest I thought
Of taking the secret to
My grave
But I’ve decided to
Be brave
You wanted to know
The truth
That was my youth
There are some sacred
Things that you cannot
Prove
Get into the groove
Find your happy place
The answers are not written
On your face
They are in your hands
Your palms
The psalms
Dear Lord
I shall remain calm
Peace be with you
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