Trumpet Boy

Been thinkin’ ‘bout you

Trumpet boy

When I’m lyin’ in bed

Playin’ with my toy

There’s so much to say

Even when I kneel down and pray

‘Bout what’s been said

And what hasn’t

What I’ve sensed

And what you’ve told me

The abuse

There’s no excuse

But to be honest

I think I understand

So permission to land

When you’re struggling with addiction

You know the affliction

And you hate yourself

You begin to take it out on those closest to you

Deep down

You know you’re fallin’ apart

I can see it all before the start

When nothing you’ve been sayin’

Is true

It starts to eat away at you

Trust me, I can explain

When they don’t mean it

But the damage was done

They’re really talking to themself

The words people use

Are often more a reflection of themselves

Than of you

Maybe it was time

But it’s tragic to the core

That he lost you

All that work

All those hours

All the blood

Sweat

And tears

The fears

Through all these years

A brotherhood

And all the stories

Pain and glory

How many girls did you sleep with?

Who cares?

When she broke your heart

It tore me apart

All I was tryin’ to do

Was keep you alive

I knew you were damaged

So it was you that broke my fuse

You’ll never lose

So I started to obsess

I confess

Used my gifts

And did the work

Found out everything I needed to know

About that life

When they were born

When they were two

When they met you

Even when they went to the zoo

Lateral time

Is so much more interesting to grasp

I’m not stuck in the past

But I miss what you had

What you created

I give too much away

Do you know why?

Because I don’t see you

Who am I really talking to?

I thought you were jealous

You’re all so into control

And it really took its toll

My psychosis

Diagnosis

Your music is really healing

But I miss your feeling

Sometimes I listen to the songs

Just to hear you

To translate the music like that

You know I would know

If it wasn’t you

I would know if it wasn’t him

I can tell the difference between the drummers

I know who’s playing what

Just from listening

Because that’s how sensitive I am to sound

With you guys I found

Such a freedom

A healing

It was so appealing

After that fourth admission

I couldn’t even sing

In that condition

It left me broken

But with you two

What a token

But you kept me away

From what I needed

I do love you

But I love you in different ways

Is monogamy really that healthy?

Is it natural

Theatrical

I miss it more than you’ll ever know

I was always there

I didn’t want you to know

Every rehearsal

Every song

Every second

Every gong

You thought I didn’t know

I didn’t want you to know

About my gifts

About my illness

But now I’m open

Mainly cos I wish to help others

How can I turn this into a song

I’ll find a way

With my ADHD

Will I ever learn an instrument?

Practice my breathing?

Why are men and women so different?

I guess that’s where beauty lies

So many men

I’ve never counted

Am I a whore?

A slut?

Tut tut

Do I really care

What people think

When the state of affairs

Has me on the brink

I should never have done

What I did

It broke our trust

It was nothing to do with lust

It had nothing to do with me

Don’t you see

It was about sisterhood

Creating what I thought he wanted

If it’s all a lie

True love will never fly

So I did my best for them

Walked away from all that pain

What on earth was there to gain

Abilify ruining my brain

Stay away from you all

Refrain

I gambled so much

I was not in touch

How can I say that when I’m mentally ill

But Abilify changed my character

My traits

And my states

When the manager was a narcissist

I’m good at keeping secrets

And I didn’t wish I was her

Because I don’t get jealous

And how could I do that

Especially to a mother

You can sleep with anyone you want

It doesn’t and never will bother me

But when you’re acting like a prick

Call yourself a dick

Taking me for granted

It pissed me off

There was an air of sexism

And you were all acting like boys

No professionalism

What was a girl to do

When she means business

And knows what it takes

To sell out stadiums

You had the talent

I could see that at first sight

But the frustration was real

When people kept fucking things up

I know we were young

But when every string was strung

And his girl left in tears

I thought

What’s this really all about

And what’s it worth

A song like that

I was aware when he wrote it

People like it

But I hate it

It’s truly revealing

That kind of state he’s stealing

From the one person

Who after six months

Gave him a chance

And boy did they dance

The trance

But the spark came about too early

Everything happens for a reason

But all the arguments

And all the strain

It just created too much pain

So when it all came to a head

And I was lying in my bed

On ward three

Completely unfree

I messaged her

I messaged him

And he rang me

And boy he was foul

So what did I do

Growl

In that accent of yours

People think I don’t remember

But I do

Even when I’m insane

I remember the conversation

I left him alone

For two years before that

But I remember when he became mean

It was two thousand and sixteen

There are so many sides

To that one

Unconditional love

When he conveys he doesn’t need it or want it

He doesn’t know what he needs

I can leave him alone

I’ve done it before

He’ll just be watching

The score

Anyway back to you

Boy do I miss you

I love you both

There’s my oath

Some of you will have an idea

But trust me

Most people

Haven’t got a clue

Who I’m writing about

I miss your body

I miss your hands

I miss our chats

I miss our plans

But you know what

Take your time

Cos I know you need time out

Silence is magical

It’s written in your meditation

I know I’ll see you again

And if you’re done forever

With that one

Maybe it’s best

Just to move

On

But I’m not done

With either of you

That much talent

How can I walk away

Despite losing you all

People are still strong on their own

He sees it too late

That’s the tragedy

If you knew how many stars

Have dropped by

I know

His jaw would hit the floor

Robin Williams

He gave him his all

But there we are

Maybe you only get one fate

And despite watching his future in slow motion

I could try and create a potion

But in the end it’s up to him

I want it on his terms

And his decisions

But please don’t try and control the situation

As that really fucking got to me

And it’s not what I needed

I had to write lines

To forgive you all

And myself

So much work

And there’s so much therapy I need

But I’ll do the work

Even if it’s about a jerk

Maybe I’ll twerk

As it’s necessary

Just remember we need you

And why we’re here

To me it is crystal clear

When you lie down

And think of me

I’m probably lying next to you

You just can’t see

But if you wanna see me

In flesh and blood

Communication is key

Please trust me

Life is way too short

Don’t live your life in regret

Please never forget