Been thinkin’ ‘bout you
Trumpet boy
When I’m lyin’ in bed
Playin’ with my toy
There’s so much to say
Even when I kneel down and pray
‘Bout what’s been said
And what hasn’t
What I’ve sensed
And what you’ve told me
The abuse
There’s no excuse
But to be honest
I think I understand
So permission to land
When you’re struggling with addiction
You know the affliction
And you hate yourself
You begin to take it out on those closest to you
Deep down
You know you’re fallin’ apart
I can see it all before the start
When nothing you’ve been sayin’
Is true
It starts to eat away at you
Trust me, I can explain
When they don’t mean it
But the damage was done
They’re really talking to themself
The words people use
Are often more a reflection of themselves
Than of you
Maybe it was time
But it’s tragic to the core
That he lost you
All that work
All those hours
All the blood
Sweat
And tears
The fears
Through all these years
A brotherhood
And all the stories
Pain and glory
How many girls did you sleep with?
Who cares?
When she broke your heart
It tore me apart
All I was tryin’ to do
Was keep you alive
I knew you were damaged
So it was you that broke my fuse
You’ll never lose
So I started to obsess
I confess
Used my gifts
And did the work
Found out everything I needed to know
About that life
When they were born
When they were two
When they met you
Even when they went to the zoo
Lateral time
Is so much more interesting to grasp
I’m not stuck in the past
But I miss what you had
What you created
I give too much away
Do you know why?
Because I don’t see you
Who am I really talking to?
I thought you were jealous
You’re all so into control
And it really took its toll
My psychosis
Diagnosis
Your music is really healing
But I miss your feeling
Sometimes I listen to the songs
Just to hear you
To translate the music like that
You know I would know
If it wasn’t you
I would know if it wasn’t him
I can tell the difference between the drummers
I know who’s playing what
Just from listening
Because that’s how sensitive I am to sound
With you guys I found
Such a freedom
A healing
It was so appealing
After that fourth admission
I couldn’t even sing
In that condition
It left me broken
But with you two
What a token
But you kept me away
From what I needed
I do love you
But I love you in different ways
Is monogamy really that healthy?
Is it natural
Theatrical
I miss it more than you’ll ever know
I was always there
I didn’t want you to know
Every rehearsal
Every song
Every second
Every gong
You thought I didn’t know
I didn’t want you to know
About my gifts
About my illness
But now I’m open
Mainly cos I wish to help others
How can I turn this into a song
I’ll find a way
With my ADHD
Will I ever learn an instrument?
Practice my breathing?
Why are men and women so different?
I guess that’s where beauty lies
So many men
I’ve never counted
Am I a whore?
A slut?
Tut tut
Do I really care
What people think
When the state of affairs
Has me on the brink
I should never have done
What I did
It broke our trust
It was nothing to do with lust
It had nothing to do with me
Don’t you see
It was about sisterhood
Creating what I thought he wanted
If it’s all a lie
True love will never fly
So I did my best for them
Walked away from all that pain
What on earth was there to gain
Abilify ruining my brain
Stay away from you all
Refrain
I gambled so much
I was not in touch
How can I say that when I’m mentally ill
But Abilify changed my character
My traits
And my states
When the manager was a narcissist
I’m good at keeping secrets
And I didn’t wish I was her
Because I don’t get jealous
And how could I do that
Especially to a mother
You can sleep with anyone you want
It doesn’t and never will bother me
But when you’re acting like a prick
Call yourself a dick
Taking me for granted
It pissed me off
There was an air of sexism
And you were all acting like boys
No professionalism
What was a girl to do
When she means business
And knows what it takes
To sell out stadiums
You had the talent
I could see that at first sight
But the frustration was real
When people kept fucking things up
I know we were young
But when every string was strung
And his girl left in tears
I thought
What’s this really all about
And what’s it worth
A song like that
I was aware when he wrote it
People like it
But I hate it
It’s truly revealing
That kind of state he’s stealing
From the one person
Who after six months
Gave him a chance
And boy did they dance
The trance
But the spark came about too early
Everything happens for a reason
But all the arguments
And all the strain
It just created too much pain
So when it all came to a head
And I was lying in my bed
On ward three
Completely unfree
I messaged her
I messaged him
And he rang me
And boy he was foul
So what did I do
Growl
In that accent of yours
People think I don’t remember
But I do
Even when I’m insane
I remember the conversation
I left him alone
For two years before that
But I remember when he became mean
It was two thousand and sixteen
There are so many sides
To that one
Unconditional love
When he conveys he doesn’t need it or want it
He doesn’t know what he needs
I can leave him alone
I’ve done it before
He’ll just be watching
The score
Anyway back to you
Boy do I miss you
I love you both
There’s my oath
Some of you will have an idea
But trust me
Most people
Haven’t got a clue
Who I’m writing about
I miss your body
I miss your hands
I miss our chats
I miss our plans
But you know what
Take your time
Cos I know you need time out
Silence is magical
It’s written in your meditation
I know I’ll see you again
And if you’re done forever
With that one
Maybe it’s best
Just to move
On
But I’m not done
With either of you
That much talent
How can I walk away
Despite losing you all
People are still strong on their own
He sees it too late
That’s the tragedy
If you knew how many stars
Have dropped by
I know
His jaw would hit the floor
Robin Williams
He gave him his all
But there we are
Maybe you only get one fate
And despite watching his future in slow motion
I could try and create a potion
But in the end it’s up to him
I want it on his terms
And his decisions
But please don’t try and control the situation
As that really fucking got to me
And it’s not what I needed
I had to write lines
To forgive you all
And myself
So much work
And there’s so much therapy I need
But I’ll do the work
Even if it’s about a jerk
Maybe I’ll twerk
As it’s necessary
Just remember we need you
And why we’re here
To me it is crystal clear
When you lie down
And think of me
I’m probably lying next to you
You just can’t see
But if you wanna see me
In flesh and blood
Communication is key
Please trust me
Life is way too short
Don’t live your life in regret
Please never forget
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