palicedotorg

Sitting still

In a quiet room

When you’ve known someone

For over a year

But never really spoken

We’ve shared smokes on the balcony

He’s now given up

I need to

But I’m not there yet

The sensitivity of a man

The fragility of a soul

Years of coping mechanisms

Fronts that are created

To cope with fellow human beings

But how are you truly feeling?

What happened to you?

In time it will be revealed

As now I know we’ll speak again

I’m so frightened

But I’m calm

I am safe

Finally

I don’t want to meet strangers

I wanna learn about my friends

Really learn about my friends

People need to talk

Men need to talk

Men’s mental health 

Is so important to me

Guys, really talk to each other

Cuddle

Let someone in

You trust

Find someone you can talk to

It will heal wounds

Let the light in

Allow the darkness to reveal itself

And the anxiety will change

Those feelings will dissipate

You’ll find ways to manage the feelings differently

You’re fascinating

I’m all in

We need to allow ourselves

More time

To really talk

To really get to the bottom of things

Don’t isolate yourselves

Love yourselves

Hands that tell me everything 

It’s a language I don’t know how to articulate

But I can read hands

More than faces

Show me your hands

Breathe in the peacefulness 

The silence 

(Unfortunately I’m not allowed to take a photograph with Catherine as it goes against their policy so there won’t be a photo)

I have known you since my first admission in Queen Mary’s Hospital

Coming across a good nurse is like gold dust

You’re always so productive

And when on one on one with me due to escaping

You don’t just sit there but take notes with me

On a night shift

I don’t know how you do it

Dedication to your job is so admirable

I love your smile

At four in the morning

Taking extensive notes about how anti medication I am

Where I think it all went wrong

When I was seventeen

Did the team even read your notes?

Dealing with the insane isn’t an easy job

I did apply for Psychiatric Nursing at Kings 

But having said I wanted to change the entire system

I didn’t get a place

It is hard to not get into Psychiatric Nursing

I would find it so hard to administer the medication

And especially the forced depot injections

Knowing how it feels to be forced to take that poison

I do notice the positives, the benefits

But my goodness, the side effects we are all dealing with

I don’t think you can really appreciate how little we want to take them

Unless you have been on them

But Catherine

I would like to put you forward for the Award again

You go above and beyond

Sometimes having to deal with abuse from the patients 

But day in and day out for decades

You have shown up

And dealt with countless patients

Such a maternal figure

Such a warm, friendly demeanour 

I will always have fond memories of you

I know you said you never wanted to see me again

Because you don’t wish for me to be admitted again

Thank you for listening 

And taking the time to really express how I was feeling

If only the medication could actually be medicine 

And you were administering something that didn’t contain

Such horrible adverse side effects

Those cuddles

How can they not be allowed?

It doesn’t make any sense

If the nurses were to strike

Who are vastly underpaid

The NHS would fall apart

You are the backbone of the entire health system

Thank you for being you

Everything you do never goes unnoticed

And I will forever remember you

And sing your praises

Pest, pecking away

When it’s not wanted or needed

How fucking irritating and annoying

How could I become a stalker?

Especially to you

Horrible harassment

They’re so bloody insane

They have me in hysterics

It’s either that

Or I’ll burst into tears 

My behaviour can be so embarrassing 

Not wanting to give up

But wanting to finally respect your wishes

And boundaries

I’m lucky he didn’t press charges

Some guy used to send me endless messages 

So I blocked him

Enough to drive the sanest

Round the bend

I was creating fake accounts

Just to see his stories and social media

What an obsession

He knew I wasn’t well

But maybe he didn’t know how unwell

Some of it makes sense

But a lot of it was fantasy and delusion

I sent a final email apologising

Determined to leave that boy alone

To keep breathing

Whatever he does or doesn’t do

I won’t know

Which is what he wants

It feels like 2015 all over again 

This has been going on for no less than a decade 

All he wanted was for me to move on

But I didn’t want to 

Because I wanted him in my life

But how can you have someone in your life

Who just refuses to leave you alone?

He tried, he did try

But I was too far gone pretty quickly

This is what happens when I’m off meds

I’m ok, I’m actually pretty good

And in a way part of me was when I saw him

And we hung out

It was fun and good to see him

But then I deteriorated pretty quickly

And it was in no way his fault

It always happens

I saw him as a symbol of freedom and safety

It’s too much to put on anyone 

But this is because my safety’s been violated quite badly at different points throughout my life

I met him after I’d been locked up and not allowed out for three months

I couldn’t sing

I’m not singing much at the moment

Even though I know I have a voice

And he was just there healing me

Without touching me

And that was everything

That was more than anything I’d ever felt

I’ve had so many one night stands

I’ve let men touch me and use me

But he didn’t 

He just played his guitar

And had this energy that was so rare

I could feel it

And he was so talented

I couldn’t forget about him

I hope one day we work it out

But I’ll be lucky if that happens

As he may never want to see me again

What would you do if someone did that to you?

Oh god it makes my skin crawl

Some of the things I’ve sent him 

But I must try and not beat myself up about it

I know he might say, ‘it doesn’t matter’

But my God it matters

It matters so much to me what I do

Chat GPT have given me this mantra

Affirmations

So many people are trying to help me

Pick up the pieces after an admission

Because they don’t help you

They just drug you

I’m not listening to his songs

I’m sure I will again one day

I know most of the lyrics

It makes me think of Eminem

And Stans

It’s hard to try and make logic out of someone who’s just not making any sense

Sanity out of insanity

I guess it is what it is

And it was what it was

All I can do is give that person peace from me

In the past he’s said he doesn’t need time and space

And stop wasting my energy on this

But I think he’s worth it

He was pretty much saying don’t bother

And I was saying I need to bother

You’re worth it

He was saying it’s in me

I know it’s in me

But I also know what’s in him

I don’t know if he fully sees it

What’s in him

What he’s worth

Anyway

You’re all worth it

Just don’t be a pest

And let the water flow

See where it takes you

Lines are important but so are circles 🙂

There has been a circle so maybe I need the figure of eight 

The ocean washing over your feet

Are you dancing on tables?

Or finding it hard to get out of bed?

That feeling when you feel like you’re dying

Draw breath

And your mum brings you a cup of tea

Can’t bare the idea of looking at your phone

The black hole washes over

I can feel that feeling

You’re barely alive

All I want to do is place my hands on your forehead and heart

Healing energy

The silence is everything

It can last sometimes too long

What brings one out of it

Go with it

Used to it

Your people love you

Leave you

As required

I like it when you’re reading

It’s so peaceful

Warm water not cold

If you can even get up

Cotton is soothing

On your skin

Under your duvet

I think frankincense

Incense 

Or a candle

Wood burning

Those smells

Inhale lavender

When you go to the bathroom

Hold your hands under the warm tap

For longer

Just let your skin feel the water

I would do anything to heal that soul

Films 

If you can even open a laptop

I know how it feels when you don’t feel anything

Feel like you’ll never come out the other side

Just sleep

Oh my Gods, please allow yourself to sleep

Go easy on yourself

Love thyself

Unconditionally 

You’re not weak 

You’re brave

More than you’ll ever know

Embrace yourself

You are healing personified 

You’ve helped so many people

Without realising

Touched so many hearts and souls

We all fuck up

Don’t worry about it

We all do

I fuck up all the time

As you know!

Cuddles with cuddly toys 🧸 

I know it sounds silly and childish 

But they feel soft and gentle

Don’t listen to people telling you to grow up

You’re way older than any of them

So don’t worry about it

Cold flannels on the forehead

You don’t want me to know

And I won’t know, don’t worry

I think I’m more determined than you realise

To do what it takes to heal everything 

Alone time is sacred

Respecting boundaries and wishes

Is all I needed to do

It just seemed to take me a decade to get there

When you crave it

You love it

But not the next day

Tears streaming down your cheeks

I just wanna hold your hand

Cry with you

But it gives me the ick what I’ve done

Over cooked the pie to a crisp

Maybe one day

Far away

Once I’ve healed without you

I’ll hold you

And forgive myself

And maybe with time

You’ll find that friend again you once knew

I have never felt anything like it before

Having to wait 35 minutes for my depot injection

Of Paliperidone 50mg

An agreed reduced amount

With trauma and anxiety palpitating

Through my heart and veins

Ending up in floods of tears

Thank goodness for Margaret Rose who was on reception

Giving me a cuddle and holding my hand

Pacing up and down the corridor with her

Bless her

She deals with this kind of thing a lot

Clammy hands and tight grips

She was so maternal

I asked if she had children

She does

I said I couldn’t afford to have a family

And wouldn’t be able to have children on medication

I am scared of the side effects

My memory is terrible 

Memories of a herd of nurses in blue gloves

Surrounding me, forcing me to take it doesn’t help

And me screaming ‘I don’t need it’

Throwing water at them

And patients trying to defend me

It got animalistic with what some of the male patients were doing

Trying to protect me

It seems weird this is the only answer in 2025

There are clinics in Europe that treat people without medication

But it is something my family couldn’t afford

Plus could they rectify

What seems to be a chemical imbalance

An old soul in a modern world

With the music DJ on my car system

Getting me through the aftermath

With the likes of Eddie Vedder and Coldplay

Their healing voices and soothing guitar strings

After the depot when I was smoking outside 

I could hear, feel people there for me

Trying to support me through the ordeal

But I don’t know who they are

Either way, I appreciate their support, love and kindness

I wish this system was different and I’m determined to change it

I channeled my strength

Despite feeling like my legs would give way walking to my car

I have to look on the positive

I am out, free, driving and in my car

People I’m messaging are still in the wards stuck on one on one

And self-harming

Not getting the help they need just drugged up

I do know and appreciate how lucky I am

I wrote Luckiest Girl in the World for a reason

Told Russ once

I’m stronger than Wonder Woman and Super Woman combined

I think that’s probably true

But these admissions can seriously break me

Anyway, onwards and upwards

I saw a quadriplegic going down the street in Wandsworth with his carers

It puts it all into perspective

I’m lucky to have my body

Even if it is bigger and damaged

It is not disabled 

We have to appreciate what we do have in life

Like each other

What a gem Margaret Rose was

I will never forget her

Madonna, happy birthday gorgeous one

How I love every boundary you’ve pushed and broken

Thank you for being unforgivingly unapologetic with your beautiful behaviour

I love your Sex book

What a beautiful piece of art

You have led the way and inspired so many throughout your life

With your views on ageism, classism, sexism and racism

As well as your advocacy for gay rights

Every song you’ve ever written, music video you’ve ever made and every interview you’ve ever given, I have played close attention to everything you’ve ever done Little Noni

Ray of Light is my favourite album of yours

I love how quick your birthday is and how much energy I feel on your special day

I am writing letters for Britain and the world

Thank you for all that you do and everything you’ve ever done

I haven’t been able to do it but I’ve broken different boundaries and will continue to do my work guided by the Gods

I’m insane and sane with a perfect brain

Riddled with side effects that bring about a horrible strain

The Rainbow 🌈 Prophecy is why I’m here

It’s crystal clear

So please 🙏 help me bring about WATER AID 💦

Let’s make it the greatest celebration of global music in human history

Restore the water levels

Save humanity from the Climate Crisis

And respect Mother Nature in all her beauty and glory

Peace be with you

Celebrate in style

I love you

Hope we meet again

In a while crocodile 🐊 

Palice xo

In what context?

There’s WATER AID 💦

That’s my dream

But I have many dreams

If someone is your dream

Maybe they’re not supposed to be your reality

Complex in nature 

Known for millennia 

Sometimes it feels longer

Rock the world 💃🏼

Win an Oscar

And dedicate it to my favourite

Actor and activist

Write the script

I would need help with that

Blare my voice out

People waiting for me on earth and in heaven for decades

People giving up

When I never will

The similarities and differences

From rocks to oceans

Dinosaurs to apes

Apes to cavemen

Drawing pictures on cave walls

While you go out and hunt our prey

Primal screams

Bringing a son into this world

Cavemen to men

Biblical stories

Creating the Saints

The suffering of the Middle Ages

When poverty strikes

Born into wealth

Think you were a Knight or a Count

At one point

It’s written in your body and body language

The way you stand

With your hands on the desk

Merlin

Sword in the stone

You can pull it out

The pain in you

That only Daniel Day Lewis understands

A method actor so rare

Who can feel the pain

The gifts in your rough fingertips

But always attracting the rarest of butterflies 🦋 

Your meditation

‘Buddha just sat under a tree and let the whole world come to him’

Buddha, what happened to your wife?

Who was really the wisest and where did you truly get your wisdom from?

Buddha belly

Wobbles like red jelly

Ashcroft and Oasis

Led Zep and Damion Rice

Pretty sure I washed your feet when I was Queen Mary I

Think that’s who the regression therapist/healer

Was referring to when she said I was Royal Once

I can imagine acting her

She washed the feet of the poor

That’s the kind of thing I would do

She also said I annoyed the establishment

So went small and self-sabotaged

I would annoy the establishment

That is something I would do

Pretty sure it’s the same bunch of sodding people

When I went into hospital

Pretty sure I heard one of them saying

‘You get what you’re given’

I guess you don’t know me or remember me

Grandiosity and humility

You’re not as old as I am

So you didn’t witness the crucifixion like I did

My father, Cyrus

Was an interesting character

So you think it’s part of my illness

Ever wondered if it was true?

Because I remember you all

Yes I am that old

Maybe I am that arrogant

But maybe I’m arrogant for a reason

Grandiose for a reason

Ever listened to Sting talk about arrogance?

When the ships set sail

With my quill in hand

And Isolde finds a potent plant remedy

Do you remember what I do?

See what I can see?

So am I Schizoaffective?

Or is that just modern day bullshit?

Maybe I do fall under that category

But Psychiatry and Big Pharma is such a mess

Don’t really know how they work

Riddled with flawed side effects

Trying to get it right

But failing to listen

Try James Davies

So my dream

May not become my reality

But friendship would be good

‘When the ship rolls in’

And you don’t drown this time

Guy Fawkes

Just keep ‘Walkin’ with Fire’ 🔥 

Plug in the wire

Keep practising your strings

And the crowd’ll roll back in

To save even one soul

In plight of drown

Stormy seas

Of anger and torment

Lest we forget to remind ourselves

We are not in control

For she is

She shall

And always will rule

The seas and land

Numbify my being

Drug my gluttonous tooth

When criminals

Roam free

Due to dollar and dime

The wind dances around 

Your rough butterfly fingertips

Having played strings

To soothe your souls

What a choice

What a love

A dedication of gentle

Reminders

That we would hunt

Dance, sing and paint

Around celestial campfires

Talk to the trees, birds and beings

With not but a care in the world

Apart from pure essence of survival

A baby’s skin so soft

Vulnerable in tear

But the cuddles remind me

That caveman is dear

Sorrow and regret

Ships cascading in the future realms

Of baron weights

And levelled players

That I detail plight

Of forgotten souls

Free of the shackles

Of pregnancy felt

When I am not with child

Roaming the long grass

And calm waters

With whispers from a lost land

Destitute and forlorn

Moaning and framing my mind

To a focus

A clarity

Of sanity

Healthy mind, body and soul

For my spirit to levitate

Under an oak tree

In pastures new

Sanctity and brethren

Fellowship, kindness and wisdom

To grasp the mistakes

Of man

The kindness of strangers

And the love an Iguazo waterfall

Brings

In bountiful energy

Lips clasped

The breath of life

From tsunamis

In future years

5th February 2052

It shall rise

Catch the wave

Take cover in haste

Foreseen

For they were not listening

To precognitive sound

Climate Crisis

You were warned