Crisis

I have never felt anything like it before

Having to wait 35 minutes for my depot injection

Of Paliperidone 50mg

An agreed reduced amount

With trauma and anxiety palpitating

Through my heart and veins

Ending up in floods of tears

Thank goodness for Margaret Rose who was on reception

Giving me a cuddle and holding my hand

Pacing up and down the corridor with her

Bless her

She deals with this kind of thing a lot

Clammy hands and tight grips

She was so maternal

I asked if she had children

She does

I said I couldn’t afford to have a family

And wouldn’t be able to have children on medication

I am scared of the side effects

My memory is terrible 

Memories of a herd of nurses in blue gloves

Surrounding me, forcing me to take it doesn’t help

And me screaming ‘I don’t need it’

Throwing water at them

And patients trying to defend me

It got animalistic with what some of the male patients were doing

Trying to protect me

It seems weird this is the only answer in 2025

There are clinics in Europe that treat people without medication

But it is something my family couldn’t afford

Plus could they rectify

What seems to be a chemical imbalance

An old soul in a modern world

With the music DJ on my car system

Getting me through the aftermath

With the likes of Eddie Vedder and Coldplay

Their healing voices and soothing guitar strings

After the depot when I was smoking outside 

I could hear, feel people there for me

Trying to support me through the ordeal

But I don’t know who they are

Either way, I appreciate their support, love and kindness

I wish this system was different and I’m determined to change it

I channeled my strength

Despite feeling like my legs would give way walking to my car

I have to look on the positive

I am out, free, driving and in my car

People I’m messaging are still in the wards stuck on one on one

And self-harming

Not getting the help they need just drugged up

I do know and appreciate how lucky I am

I wrote Luckiest Girl in the World for a reason

Told Russ once

I’m stronger than Wonder Woman and Super Woman combined

I think that’s probably true

But these admissions can seriously break me

Anyway, onwards and upwards

I saw a quadriplegic going down the street in Wandsworth with his carers

It puts it all into perspective

I’m lucky to have my body

Even if it is bigger and damaged

It is not disabled 

We have to appreciate what we do have in life

Like each other

What a gem Margaret Rose was

I will never forget her