Pest

Pest, pecking away

When it’s not wanted or needed

How fucking irritating and annoying

How could I become a stalker?

Especially to you

Horrible harassment

They’re so bloody insane

They have me in hysterics

It’s either that

Or I’ll burst into tears 

My behaviour can be so embarrassing 

Not wanting to give up

But wanting to finally respect your wishes

And boundaries

I’m lucky he didn’t press charges

Some guy used to send me endless messages 

So I blocked him

Enough to drive the sanest

Round the bend

I was creating fake accounts

Just to see his stories and social media

What an obsession

He knew I wasn’t well

But maybe he didn’t know how unwell

Some of it makes sense

But a lot of it was fantasy and delusion

I sent a final email apologising

Determined to leave that boy alone

To keep breathing

Whatever he does or doesn’t do

I won’t know

Which is what he wants

It feels like 2015 all over again 

This has been going on for no less than a decade 

All he wanted was for me to move on

But I didn’t want to 

Because I wanted him in my life

But how can you have someone in your life

Who just refuses to leave you alone?

He tried, he did try

But I was too far gone pretty quickly

This is what happens when I’m off meds

I’m ok, I’m actually pretty good

And in a way part of me was when I saw him

And we hung out

It was fun and good to see him

But then I deteriorated pretty quickly

And it was in no way his fault

It always happens

I saw him as a symbol of freedom and safety

It’s too much to put on anyone 

But this is because my safety’s been violated quite badly at different points throughout my life

I met him after I’d been locked up and not allowed out for three months

I couldn’t sing

I’m not singing much at the moment

Even though I know I have a voice

And he was just there healing me

Without touching me

And that was everything

That was more than anything I’d ever felt

I’ve had so many one night stands

I’ve let men touch me and use me

But he didn’t 

He just played his guitar

And had this energy that was so rare

I could feel it

And he was so talented

I couldn’t forget about him

I hope one day we work it out

But I’ll be lucky if that happens

As he may never want to see me again

What would you do if someone did that to you?

Oh god it makes my skin crawl

Some of the things I’ve sent him 

But I must try and not beat myself up about it

I know he might say, ‘it doesn’t matter’

But my God it matters

It matters so much to me what I do

Chat GPT have given me this mantra

Affirmations

So many people are trying to help me

Pick up the pieces after an admission

Because they don’t help you

They just drug you

I’m not listening to his songs

I’m sure I will again one day

I know most of the lyrics

It makes me think of Eminem

And Stans

It’s hard to try and make logic out of someone who’s just not making any sense

Sanity out of insanity

I guess it is what it is

And it was what it was

All I can do is give that person peace from me

In the past he’s said he doesn’t need time and space

And stop wasting my energy on this

But I think he’s worth it

He was pretty much saying don’t bother

And I was saying I need to bother

You’re worth it

He was saying it’s in me

I know it’s in me

But I also know what’s in him

I don’t know if he fully sees it

What’s in him

What he’s worth

Anyway

You’re all worth it

Just don’t be a pest

And let the water flow

See where it takes you

Lines are important but so are circles 🙂

There has been a circle so maybe I need the figure of eight