palicedotorg

Wishing you the happiest of birthdays Woo

I don’t know if I’m going to send this to you

Because it’s a bit heavy but I’ll show it to you one day

What have I done?

What have I done to all of you?

Being told I’ve said the most horrible, scary things about people

I love the most

Which I don’t even remember

And how it affects you

It is terrifying

This illness

I love you with all my heart and soul

You are one of the most important people in my life

I will always be there for you

I love Granny so much Cami

I would never want to hurt her

I don’t remember saying what I’ve been told I’ve said

And that’s what’s so alarming 

Where does it come from?

What does it say about me or someone?

That I need to be on medication to stay well?

A chemical imbalance

How could it come to this?

What is wrong?

What has gone so badly wrong in my brain?

I think I can explain it

It may have something to do with the subconscious or my unconscious mind

The trauma and abuse I have been through

Dissociation

Who/what/is something else coming through me?

Overtaking my mind and body?

Divine intervention is powerful and will always win

Like supernatural lightning blasting through me

Big Pharma and psychiatry have got it so god damn wrong but it has its place

It is completely flawed

And I am intolerant unless it’s perfection

It is not unique, specific to the individual 

There is more to this than my brain

I need to protect my aura

Not let them in

There is more to my ADHD than people understand

We have had so much fun together

Going out dancing and being wild and free

I always miss you

Know that you are such a wise soul

There have been so many fond memories

And I am so proud of you with what you’re doing

Getting your head down and nailing your studies

I love you to the moon and back

Oh darling Cami, it is so scary

I just don’t understand where I go

There is only goodness in me

But there is so much in me

I have so much potential and skill

I have ruined so much off meds

You know I can’t stand them

And they’re not solely the solution

But I am finally having therapy

And will be seeing a clinical psychologist

The idea that I could harm Granny or Grampa

Makes me feel sick to the core

The fact that I don’t remember it

Is petrifying 

I was so delusional Woo

I rang people and I don’t remember doing it

I messaged things that simply weren’t true and I know they’re not true

It’s beyond delusion

It’s complete insanity

I was obsessionally harassing that guy

And all I did was embarrass and scare myself

Cami, you know all I wanted was just to heal the friendship 

Am I a stalker?

Unfortunately it used to be healthy and it was healthy when we saw each other but then due to not seeing him it became very unhealthy 

I have to focus on myself, what I have in me

I have such a strong work ethic but I have focused on working hard at jobs or other people and not myself

I am grateful for the life lessons and memories

I have to make it happen

For myself

Do it myself

Stay focused 

And it will help people

Inspire people

If I am doing what I am supposed to do

And fulfilling my purpose

I am in no way a self-harmer

It was not fully me

I would not do that to myself

The knife incidents

Or the window sill incident at Crieff Road

That is why I know my illness is dangerous and life threatening

I promise you I know I am going to stay alive

Because I get visions

And I’m aware of my future and what I’m creating

Bringing about

Who am I?

Why do I have such a severe illness?

What is it with my brain?

I am determined to stay strong 

You know I am highly ambitious

If they don’t know how the meds work

How do they restore the chemical imbalance?

Is that honestly what it is?

And why does it come about?

I have so many questions

I promise I will stay on my meds 

And continue to listen

I will always, always be there for you

In every way I can

You are like a daughter to me

Let’s make our dreams come true

And celebrate in style 

Not dream and love too much but focus on reality

Make sure we always get enough sleep

Sleep keeps us well

Baby steps and getting my demo recorded

You can’t just jump on the stage at Wembley Palice 🤣

It takes 10,000 hours

Some people have probably done 50,000 hours!

I so admire that

Never give up! Keep going

‘Keep moving’

Overcoming blocks and hurdles

‘Don’t think…do’

I need to get over my fear of failure and embrace it instead

Jump off the diving board

It is the only way I will succeed and improve

You are one of the most special people

I am so lucky to call you my niece

Have fun, stay wise

Sending you the best, most supportive cuddle

I am with you in spirit

Keep dancing and smiling

You are truly beautiful 💃🏼 

ORGANISATION

DEDICATION

INFILTRATION

GENERATION

PENETRATION

EXALTATION

GLOBAL NATION

Believe me when I’ve done it! 💃🏼💦

XXI.IX.MCMLXXII

With your tambourine crown

Dancin’ with every girl and boy in town

This was meant to be a song

But I thought I’d keep it peaceful

Without noise

Because you’re used to that

You remind me of someone

With your front

But then underneath you’re like a teddy bear

That I just want to cuddle

So on top you can be like an alligator

You can bite

And throw your toys out the pram

But that’s cos you’re protecting how you truly feel

And it’s sensitive

So wear your tambourine crown

And your parkour like amour 

Cos I love your front

Brimming with attitude

Shaking those maracas 🪇 

The Jimi Hendrix of percussion

But l also love what’s underneath

Maybe some feel they’re scared to show it

Or don’t wanna get hurt

You have a heart of gold lad

Oasis is magic

Are you the best band in the world? 😁

Belief is everything

Otherwise what else do we have?

I wonder if we’ll meet one day

When the tours over

And you’re chillin’

There’s zen in the chaos and the noise

There’s peace in the silence

Love flows through you like water

When you’re running

God like man

‘Is it any wonder’

You wear a crown

Training hard with One Element

Running faster

Gut health

Weight has gone up

So have measurements

Despite calories down

Protein up

Doing everything I can

I miss my body so much!

Learning about acceptance

And my nervous system

So many people trying to help me

I hold hope for better meds

Aware more now of what I’ve done

Forgiveness

Dealing with a friend’s intervention

Working with another friend

Massaged a family member

Down on money

Turning it around

I love trees

All the different colours

42’s approaching

Looking forward to Charlie’s Pirate 🏴‍☠️ Party 🙂

The piano is staring at me

We’re gonna be friends again

The piano and me

Overcoming hurdles

I find people can be so inspiring

To do lists

I miss my boobs

🤣

Might get my sun spots removed

40s is a lot of people’s favourite decade

Meditation

Cold water therapy

Comedy

Agent

Writing

Hustle

Grind

Work ethic

My memory

The stillness

The peace

The luxury

The gifts

Psychic realm

What is and isn’t true

I don’t seem to dance and sing

But that performance is in me somewhere 

Suppression

Strength

Resilience

Energy

Pace

Fortitude

Courage

Stamina

Hands that speak a thousand whispers

Cherished moments

The long road

Impulsiveness

Stream of consciousness 

Water all around me

‘Dream as if you’ll live forever and live as if you’ll die today’ James Dean