palicedotorg

I escaped twice from a psychiatric ward

It required determination, strategy and timing

So the first time

I went into the garden the height of the fence was about eight feet

I looked at the blue plastic coated sofa

Checked the corridors for nurses

I’m strong so pulled the sofa into the garden

Put it on its end upright

Climbing on top of the sofa was quite a challenge

Sensed my timing

Climbed onto the drain pipe 

Over the fence

Then jumped another fence

And ran to the tube station

Bought tobacco on the way

Got on the tube to a train station

Travelled to Ramsgate

Turned up at my friend’s house uninvited

That was a shock for them

People made calls

Told my father not to drive to fetch me

He did

Screamed at him for coming

Told him to go home

Tried to leave

My friend called me back

Huge mistake 

The Police arrived

They took me to the local hospital

Waited for hours

Drove me back in the cage

Lit a smoke in the cage

They stopped the van

Confiscated the smokes

Put me back on the ward

Was put on One on One

The second time was harder

They’d locked the garden door I escaped from the first time

Patients were around

Needed the staff to be distracted

Asked the spirits to distract them

Got a table in the community area

Dragged it outside to the ten foot fence

Found another table

Checked for nurses again

Timing

Dragged the other table and put it on top of the first base table by the fence

Found a chair that would sit on top of the two tables

Climbed up on top of the chair

Jumped the fence

Walked from Tooting to Camberwell

Without a phone or bank cards so I couldn’t be tracked

Bled

Got to my friend’s flat

He was so kind

Bought me what I needed

Lent me boxers

Was somehow tracked

Hid with strangers in the upstairs flat

Watched the ambulance and my mother arrive

Kept hiding

Thought about going somewhere else

Went back to his

Mars Security turned up

Drove me back to the ward

Was put back on One on One

Moral of the story

Do what you gotta do in life

And never underestimate your freedom!

An honest introspection into my personality and illness

Stream of consciousness 

Where does the illness end and the personality begin?

Have I been over indulged?

Am I a hedonist?

Do I go to the ends of the world to get what I want?

What I feel I need?

Am I a spoiled brat?

I have an attachment disorder

I can think about someone obsessively

It niggles me

Preoccupies my mind

And I don’t think I’ll find peace until it’s resolved 

Even if they’re on their death bed

Obviously that would not be ideal

I would do literally anything for that person to find my peace with them

But I have to respect their wishes

It’s so important

Even if they struggled to respect mine

To be honest I was so unwell I don’t blame them

I do blame myself for pretty much everything

I waited four and half hours for someone to see them

Most people wouldn’t put up with that behaviour

But it was worth it

My determination is undeniable

But I do not know why I do not channel this determination into my singing, guitar, piano practice or writing my book

Is it laziness?

Or is it my illness?

I have been diagnosed with ADHD

But it seems we all have it in different ways

I have comprehension dyslexia

Do I find excuses to not get on with things or do I just do what comes naturally to me?

What heals you?

Sex heals me

And sleep

I also love and admire musicians

I think it’s one of the most beautiful skills the human race has ever developed

Apart from that, I think apes are more intelligent than us

The way they prefer their natural environment

Wild and free

Schizoaffective Disorder is a mood disorder

So my mood and energy levels change

I do not tend to get depression unless on the wrong meds

But I do occasionally get what I call low phases where my energy is low and I eat more, sleep more, speak less and do very little if I can

I grew up with a confusing parent who likes to speak

Whom I love and adore

I genuinely love my family with all my heart

But I have speech trauma

I find I can speak too much at times and I do not like it

Noise can feel like torture to me at times

Hence the desperate need for silence

And occasionally music

That can also heal me

I just always imagine lying down and listening wherever they are in their presence

I day dream 

I create dreams

I love my dreams

Sometimes the dream overtakes reality

For protection

So I don’t get hurt

I do have a severe illness

It is a western school of thought

We will know a lot more in a hundred years

I gave someone a beautiful neck and shoulder massage today

It was so relaxing

Think I forgot how beautiful it can be to massage someone and relieve their tight muscles

Happy Valentine’s Day