Spoiled Brat Syndrome

An honest introspection into my personality and illness

Stream of consciousness 

Where does the illness end and the personality begin?

Have I been over indulged?

Am I a hedonist?

Do I go to the ends of the world to get what I want?

What I feel I need?

Am I a spoiled brat?

I have an attachment disorder

I can think about someone obsessively

It niggles me

Preoccupies my mind

And I don’t think I’ll find peace until it’s resolved 

Even if they’re on their death bed

Obviously that would not be ideal

I would do literally anything for that person to find my peace with them

But I have to respect their wishes

It’s so important

Even if they struggled to respect mine

To be honest I was so unwell I don’t blame them

I do blame myself for pretty much everything

I waited four and half hours for someone to see them

Most people wouldn’t put up with that behaviour

But it was worth it

My determination is undeniable

But I do not know why I do not channel this determination into my singing, guitar, piano practice or writing my book

Is it laziness?

Or is it my illness?

I have been diagnosed with ADHD

But it seems we all have it in different ways

I have comprehension dyslexia

Do I find excuses to not get on with things or do I just do what comes naturally to me?

What heals you?

Sex heals me

And sleep

I also love and admire musicians

I think it’s one of the most beautiful skills the human race has ever developed

Apart from that, I think apes are more intelligent than us

The way they prefer their natural environment

Wild and free

Schizoaffective Disorder is a mood disorder

So my mood and energy levels change

I do not tend to get depression unless on the wrong meds

But I do occasionally get what I call low phases where my energy is low and I eat more, sleep more, speak less and do very little if I can

I grew up with a confusing parent who likes to speak

Whom I love and adore

I genuinely love my family with all my heart

But I have speech trauma

I find I can speak too much at times and I do not like it

Noise can feel like torture to me at times

Hence the desperate need for silence

And occasionally music

That can also heal me

I just always imagine lying down and listening wherever they are in their presence

I day dream 

I create dreams

I love my dreams

Sometimes the dream overtakes reality

For protection

So I don’t get hurt

I do have a severe illness

It is a western school of thought

We will know a lot more in a hundred years

I gave someone a beautiful neck and shoulder massage today

It was so relaxing

Think I forgot how beautiful it can be to massage someone and relieve their tight muscles

Happy Valentine’s Day