So the story goes like this
Anything but tranquility or bliss
I had a third admission
To reference the date
4am 1st February 2008
And met a good friend there
They’d never understand her state
I thought to myself
A spiritual illness
She was jumping souls
Past lives and time
A good friend still now
But to help her
I didn’t know how
Because I knew these doctors
Weren’t schooled in spiritual thought
Their knowledge was limited
Not what they had been taught
I was sectioned for the second time
The only way they could get their drugs into me
But what they had underestimated
And failed to see
Was that I was well educated
And had a sharp mind
I learned the system
The research wasn’t hard to find
I puked up and spat out the Abilify
It tasted acidic but had given it a try
I was told it won’t affect my weight which was important to me
I needed my body, my tool, free to be
My psychiatrist was mean
Howlett, she’s known well
Kept me locked up for almost three months
And put me through hell
Not allowed to run or swim
Or even go outside the ward
An anorexic control freak
It was written on her beak
She tried to hide all her issues
Being the professional
I just wanted to pass her the tissues
I wrote poems about every bird
The sequel to Cats
Inspired by TS Elliot
I wrote to Andrew Lloyd Webber
And got a reply
He was busy with something else
So I put that on the shelf
I won my second free tribunal
With a lawyer who tried to postpone the date
He didn’t have much confidence
But I knew my fate
At 12noon 28th April 2008
I walked out of there
And started to really care
About all who’d come before me
And all who were yet to come
I didn’t want to become a revolving door patient
How was I gonna learn
Find my art, music and writing
I’d never felt such a yearn
So a few months passed
And I decided to get a degree
Medicine no less, I needed to learn their education
Physics, Chemistry, Biology and Maths
Lambeth College Access to Medicine
September 2008
Get my brain engaged
I was taking Abilify to appease the shrink
But as I started to study
I realised I couldn’t think
I lowered my medication from ten to five milligrams
My boyfriend at the time didn’t really notice a thing
I was going a little faster
But what I needed to bring
From the help of an educational psychologist
Who taught me to study
I have comprehension dyslexia
And had struggled with exams
Getting As and Bs
But less than teachers had expected
I was a scholarship student
And in the first stream for maths
I needed to learn how to pass
And excel with a Distinction
I did just that in every subject
Getting 100% in maths
My tutor gave me an excellent review
My personal statement was controversial
But who knew?
I described the importance of allergies, intolerances and nutrition
Helped save my house lady’s child
From a disastrous allergy to dairy
What I didn’t know and it was in their fruition
They didn’t teach much about food
How could you not study what goes into the body
How useless and basic was every case study
I didn’t hear a thing and my tutor didn’t know why
I waited and waited
Eventually plucking up the courage to ring
Kings College London
What had I done wrong?
Applied to 101 course when I wasn’t allowed to study that extended medical degree
Why had I not done my research
And learned to see
That due to my education which was first class
I was only allowed to do a five year course
The correct code was 100
So what to do now?
Apply for medicine through ‘Extra’
And learn how
But my confidence failed me
And I didn’t think I’d get in
So I applied for Pharmacology
To see what that might bring
The intention was to study that
And move on to Medicine
Then to Research
Having learnt every medication
I applied through ‘Extra’ with fierce
Dedication
I got an Unconditional Offer
Probably due to my tutor’s review
And Distinction
So here’s to Kings and what ensued
September 2009
So you know the time
I was in the lab
Learning chemistry and the rest
I got distracted by hockey playing for every team
I felt like they’d lost track
I was losing my dream
Medicine is not an art
It’s a science
Maybe my brain’s not wired that way
I went to hockey and continued to play
For the 1st’s and the 2nds
Every team when they needed a player
I was a committed sportswoman
And determined to be a stayer
But the amount of time spent on nutrition
It was a joke
I thought to myself
Decided to change courses
To Nutrition or Psychiatric Nursing
It was early 2010
Having just witnessed a recession in full flow
There were medic protests on the go
Due to their underpay
I started to think about my course
If I was to do Pharmacology then Medicine then Research
I’d be £100k in debt
A life full of hospitals
Would I be inept?
And I was losing faith in their medicine
This was not Primum Non Nocere
What I was learning
My story inside me was totally burning
So I left Kings College London
After only a year
And I went to Spain with my niece
And friends of my brother’s
But having hard stopped the 5mg of Abilify
I wasn’t giving myself a chance
I had forgotten the Diazepam
Which helped me sleep
Went three sleepless nights
And started to see double
Played tennis with George
Debated with Zac
Trying to keep it together
How were they to know
I was totally losing track
I got back to London as high as a kite
My mother saw it in my eyes
As she always does
I was determined to go off and see Sophia
But with very little sleep
I was losing my mind
Lack of it affects us in different ways
But if I don’t sleep
My mind will certainly stray
It starts with daydreaming
And then I start to go
Up to the heavens
No longer on earth
My family try to reach me
But I’m not in my body
Once I was catatonic
And I can tell you
It wasn’t funny
So back to Queen Mary’s it was time to go
I hadn’t eaten a proper meal in weeks
Skinny eight stone
I went down on the scales so low
01:47 13th September 2010
My fourth admission
And my third section
How else were they to get their drugs in me
I would simply still never let them
Give them voluntarily to me
So back to the drawing board
What was I to do?
Take them to tribunal
Or commit to Abilify?
I had my reservations
But was willing to give it another try
So I ripped up my section
So they changed it to three
Did I care?
Not at that point
I just returned their stare
Dr Howlett
Academic but limited in thought
My gift taught me she’d passed
But couldn’t see outside the box
She’ll never understand any of us
That’s the key to our locks
You see to understand madness
Takes a certain type of mind
A bit like a method actor
You have to stand right beside
Learn all of their mannerisms
Childhood and genes
There’s a spiritual aspect
Past lives too
But if you don’t believe in those
You only get one life
If you’re one of those
Then don’t just stare down a test tube
With chemicals
Learn from the indigenous
The ancient, the wisdom
The forgotten medicine
You really need to observe and listen
Without judgement
Doctors are taught they’re God’s greatest gifts
But the best ones you’ll find are humble in thought
For the medically unexplained symptoms
What you were not taught
Is where you’ll find the answers to
The body and the mess
The world’s gone insane
Are you surprised
The sensitive have a delicate brain
They’re all different
Unique in every way
But like something I wrote
‘Every Combination’
I was determined to find the answers
Through no less than meditation
Channeling wisdom but still reading books
There are forgotten methods
We learn from one another
Western medicine with all its greatness
Has a lot to improve on
We have a lot to learn and remember
A little humility and thinking outside the box
Will get you a lot further
Than selling lies like Abilifies
I waited out the section
Doing headstands and yoga all the time
Decided to take Abilify
Just so they’d let me out
Went to my friend’s wedding
And put on a pout
Tati and Sophie were there
Having visited me on every admission
True friends are the best and I never forget
Those who followed me or put me on a pedestal
But the ones who are there for you when your chips are down
You’re lying in the gutter
You know who you are
And I’ll stand by you forever
No matter what journey my life takes
I know my true friends
And I know the fakes