palicedotorg

I escaped twice from a psychiatric ward

It required determination, strategy and timing

So the first time

I went into the garden the height of the fence was about eight feet

I looked at the blue plastic coated sofa

Checked the corridors for nurses

I’m strong so pulled the sofa into the garden

Put it on its end upright

Climbing on top of the sofa was quite a challenge

Sensed my timing

Climbed onto the drain pipe 

Over the fence

Then jumped another fence

And ran to the tube station

Bought tobacco on the way

Got on the tube to a train station

Travelled to Ramsgate

Turned up at my friend’s house uninvited

That was a shock for them

People made calls

Told my father not to drive to fetch me

He did

Screamed at him for coming

Told him to go home

Tried to leave

My friend called me back

Huge mistake 

The Police arrived

They took me to the local hospital

Waited for hours

Drove me back in the cage

Lit a smoke in the cage

They stopped the van

Confiscated the smokes

Put me back on the ward

Was put on One on One

The second time was harder

They’d locked the garden door I escaped from the first time

Patients were around

Needed the staff to be distracted

Asked the spirits to distract them

Got a table in the community area

Dragged it outside to the ten foot fence

Found another table

Checked for nurses again

Timing

Dragged the other table and put it on top of the first base table by the fence

Found a chair that would sit on top of the two tables

Climbed up on top of the chair

Jumped the fence

Walked from Tooting to Camberwell

Without a phone or bank cards so I couldn’t be tracked

Bled

Got to my friend’s flat

He was so kind

Bought me what I needed

Lent me boxers

Was somehow tracked

Hid with strangers in the upstairs flat

Watched the ambulance and my mother arrive

Kept hiding

Thought about going somewhere else

Went back to his

Mars Security turned up

Drove me back to the ward

Was put back on One on One

Moral of the story

Do what you gotta do in life

And never underestimate your freedom!

An honest introspection into my personality and illness

Stream of consciousness 

Where does the illness end and the personality begin?

Have I been over indulged?

Am I a hedonist?

Do I go to the ends of the world to get what I want?

What I feel I need?

Am I a spoiled brat?

I have an attachment disorder

I can think about someone obsessively

It niggles me

Preoccupies my mind

And I don’t think I’ll find peace until it’s resolved 

Even if they’re on their death bed

Obviously that would not be ideal

I would do literally anything for that person to find my peace with them

But I have to respect their wishes

It’s so important

Even if they struggled to respect mine

To be honest I was so unwell I don’t blame them

I do blame myself for pretty much everything

I waited four and half hours for someone to see them

Most people wouldn’t put up with that behaviour

But it was worth it

My determination is undeniable

But I do not know why I do not channel this determination into my singing, guitar, piano practice or writing my book

Is it laziness?

Or is it my illness?

I have been diagnosed with ADHD

But it seems we all have it in different ways

I have comprehension dyslexia

Do I find excuses to not get on with things or do I just do what comes naturally to me?

What heals you?

Sex heals me

And sleep

I also love and admire musicians

I think it’s one of the most beautiful skills the human race has ever developed

Apart from that, I think apes are more intelligent than us

The way they prefer their natural environment

Wild and free

Schizoaffective Disorder is a mood disorder

So my mood and energy levels change

I do not tend to get depression unless on the wrong meds

But I do occasionally get what I call low phases where my energy is low and I eat more, sleep more, speak less and do very little if I can

I grew up with a confusing parent who likes to speak

Whom I love and adore

I genuinely love my family with all my heart

But I have speech trauma

I find I can speak too much at times and I do not like it

Noise can feel like torture to me at times

Hence the desperate need for silence

And occasionally music

That can also heal me

I just always imagine lying down and listening wherever they are in their presence

I day dream 

I create dreams

I love my dreams

Sometimes the dream overtakes reality

For protection

So I don’t get hurt

I do have a severe illness

It is a western school of thought

We will know a lot more in a hundred years

I gave someone a beautiful neck and shoulder massage today

It was so relaxing

Think I forgot how beautiful it can be to massage someone and relieve their tight muscles

Happy Valentine’s Day

XX.X.MMXXV

Empty carcass

A heavy fragility of subliminal energy

Knowing my manneristic hands

Moving at such a low frequency

The opposite of numb

Uncomfortable to the bone

Tears carrying low depths of isolation

Grasping the torment of what I’ve done

Words don’t cut it

I don’t listen to music

Shut off from the world

Drenched in rain

Slow without a tortoise shell

Grief but there’s something else

My identity is fractured

Aware of you getting up for work

For school

Yet I’m hiding, buried in submission

Swords scattered on the ground

Drowning in oil

Iron bones underneath my sensitive skin

The pace of a snail

In a dark, damp cave

Apologies don’t cut it

Mere medicated survival

I only know this phase on meds

Apathy clasped,

Encompassed

A log drifting on the water

An ape caged by thick bars

The eyes just keep closing

The body bent over

Not deprived

Nor starved

Although aware of them 

Actually, pretty selfish in nature

Because I don’t even like the words

Hate the weight

Horrible state

When most wouldn’t express it

Coal in a blackout

‘GIVE PEACE A CHANCE’ ☮️

DO YOU KNOW WHO HE IS?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID?

DO YOU KNOW HIS WORDS?

HIS SONGS? 🎼🎶🎵🎸🎙️

HIS MESSAGE? 📝

AT FIRST THERE WAS THE THOUGHT 💭

AND THEN THE WORD

DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?

DO YOU KNOW THE PRICE OF A BULLET?🔫

DO YOU KNOW THE COST OF A LIFE? ❤️‍🔥

EVERY LIFE

EVERY DEED

EVERY MANNERISM

EVERYTHING YOU DO NEVER GOES UNNOTICED

BE CAREFUL

LEARN ABOUT THE LEADERS

THE WARRIORS 🌈

THROUGHOUT HISTORY

CREATIVES, ARTISTS, MUSICIANS

ARE POWERFUL

ARTISTS HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY

HOWEVER THEY CHOOSE TO EXPRESS THEMSELVES

ART, WORDS, SONGS, SPEECHES

CHANGE THE WORLD

BE A LEADER

BE A WARRIOR 🌈

TOGETHER, THE PEOPLE 🙌

WE ARE STRONGER

THERE ARE MORE OF US THAN THEM

BE ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF HISTORY!

‘JOHN, I’M ONLY DANCING’ David Bowie

IX.X.MMXXV

BANG THOSE MESIAHAN DRUMS 🪘 🥁

It is the OLDEST INSTRUMENT

USE YOUR BODIES

USE YOUR VOICES

RUN! STAY STRONG 💪 

‘EXPRESS YOURSELF, DON’T REPRESS YOURSELF’

Do whatever you can for those who DO NOT HAVE A VOICE!

For every LIMB LOST!

For every LIFE LOST!

For every skin BURNT!

For every BULLET!

For every BOMB!

Every dime, dollar and pound

CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY!

GENOCIDE!

WE NEED JUSTICE!

Rainbow 🌈 Prochecy Warriors UNITE!

IS IT ENOUGH?

To STRIP NAKED AND BARE MY FLESH AND BLOOD?

Is it ENOUGH to just WRITE, SING, SCREAM?

I feel like I have been imprisoned ELEVEN TIMES!

I may be considered to have gone INSANE but when I feel the WORLD AND OUR SO CALLED LEADERS ARE INSANE!

Do you blame me?

For losing my mind?

I always think: what would FREDDIE DO?

The Mercury Man

MY ROCK GOD

I ALWAYS WISH TO MAKE IT BEAUTIFUL

FOR THE LITTLE ONES

WE NEED TO PROTECT THEM

From TRAUMA & ABUSE!

How could you?!

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!

Never say you are starving when you are hungry!

STARVATION!

DEHYDRATION!

DEDICATION!

EXALTATION!

EVERY GENERATION!

How can these so called leaders be elected?

What has this WORLD COME TO?

That is WHY WE ARE HERE!

That is why we come back for each other

RISE UP

JOIN FORCES

POWER TO THE PEOPLE!

VII.X.MMXXV

V.X.MMXXV

Everybody needs to be on board man,

I need the performers to learn to strive,

In me, Stan, I have an almighty plan,

The dancers on points to spin and to thrive.

All of the people to move and to dance,

Live Aid: the idea of WATER AID 💦

Our eyes have not met yet, show me your glance,

Dehydration, I can’t live with their fade.

Madonna’s people, every single star,

I can feel it in my bones, all of life,

Let’s rock the universe and take it far,

Every single year; for all of their strife.

Bob, you were born on The Day of Just Cause,

We need The Boss, Swift, EMINEM and Sting,

Immigration: destination; just pause,

Blare out voices and show what you can bring.

Oasis, Rockit Robster, Love Supreme

All on board bands, The Verve, join The DREAM TEAM.

So this is why I smoke 🚬 

There are a few reasons

But to repel was the first reason

Without going into too much detail

To protect identities

It is private

But some people hate the fact I smoke

So I used it as a repellent

Back off

Stay back

Give me space

‘Don’t stand so close to me’

Hands that have touched me inappropriately

And I am extremely sensitive to energy

And how that energy feels

I am a massage therapist

It is a profession

But if I was giving a boyfriend a massage

It would be a different energy

To if I were massaging a client

Touch

I love having a massage

Hospital

You are no longer allowed to smoke on the wards

And I have been in hospital eleven times

So I have broken the rules

Got tobacco smuggled in for me

American Spirit

What the Native Americans used to smoke

In a pipe

A ritual

After someone dies

To smoke that spirit away

Clear the energy

Smoking comes with a certain energy

I am a poet

This is not a poem

It is a piece of honest writing

I can tell if someone has never smoked

I can tell if someone smokes

I can tell if someone used to smoke but no longer smokes

All from their energy

ENERGY

River smoked

But said people would die from eating a burger

I eat red meat

River was a vegan 🌱 

And I respect vegans

Even though I am not one

I am always interested in what tobacco people smoke

Do you roll?

Or smoke straights?

Do you like matches?

The fire 🔥 

I used to love Swans

Before they became safety matches

Please do not judge me

For I do not judge you

Yes I can sing

The music producer said I need to give up smoking

Singing is more important to me than smoking

And I know it affects my voice

I always listen to Whitney

She says I have it in me

She sang with the head, heart and diaphragm 

Breathing

Her mother taught her

My mother said I would have done it by now

Maybe I was trying to please her with working full time

But I do not blame her

For not understanding my art

I have now explained it

And she knows how much it means to me

So here’s to making my dreams my reality

When I practice

I am often alone

But now if someone asks me to sing

I just sing

In the middle of a pub at full volume

Without a care in the world

Because I was born to sing

I used to sing out of the window at four years old to Oliver Twist

Trying to sound like Oliver

Your dreams don’t go away

They just burn inside of you like smoking

Until you achieve them

So run towards them

Not away from them

Because when you’re eighty in your rocking chair Palice

I do not wish for you to have any regrets

Wishing you the happiest of birthdays Woo

I don’t know if I’m going to send this to you

Because it’s a bit heavy but I’ll show it to you one day

What have I done?

What have I done to all of you?

Being told I’ve said the most horrible, scary things about people

I love the most

Which I don’t even remember

And how it affects you

It is terrifying

This illness

I love you with all my heart and soul

You are one of the most important people in my life

I will always be there for you

I love Granny so much Cami

I would never want to hurt her

I don’t remember saying what I’ve been told I’ve said

And that’s what’s so alarming 

Where does it come from?

What does it say about me or someone?

That I need to be on medication to stay well?

A chemical imbalance

How could it come to this?

What is wrong?

What has gone so badly wrong in my brain?

I think I can explain it

It may have something to do with the subconscious or my unconscious mind

The trauma and abuse I have been through

Dissociation

Who/what/is something else coming through me?

Overtaking my mind and body?

Divine intervention is powerful and will always win

Like supernatural lightning blasting through me

Big Pharma and psychiatry have got it so god damn wrong but it has its place

It is completely flawed

And I am intolerant unless it’s perfection

It is not unique, specific to the individual 

There is more to this than my brain

I need to protect my aura

Not let them in

There is more to my ADHD than people understand

We have had so much fun together

Going out dancing and being wild and free

I always miss you

Know that you are such a wise soul

There have been so many fond memories

And I am so proud of you with what you’re doing

Getting your head down and nailing your studies

I love you to the moon and back

Oh darling Cami, it is so scary

I just don’t understand where I go

There is only goodness in me

But there is so much in me

I have so much potential and skill

I have ruined so much off meds

You know I can’t stand them

And they’re not solely the solution

But I am finally having therapy

And will be seeing a clinical psychologist

The idea that I could harm Granny or Grampa

Makes me feel sick to the core

The fact that I don’t remember it

Is petrifying 

I was so delusional Woo

I rang people and I don’t remember doing it

I messaged things that simply weren’t true and I know they’re not true

It’s beyond delusion

It’s complete insanity

I was obsessionally harassing that guy

And all I did was embarrass and scare myself

Cami, you know all I wanted was just to heal the friendship 

Am I a stalker?

Unfortunately it used to be healthy and it was healthy when we saw each other but then due to not seeing him it became very unhealthy 

I have to focus on myself, what I have in me

I have such a strong work ethic but I have focused on working hard at jobs or other people and not myself

I am grateful for the life lessons and memories

I have to make it happen

For myself

Do it myself

Stay focused 

And it will help people

Inspire people

If I am doing what I am supposed to do

And fulfilling my purpose

I am in no way a self-harmer

It was not fully me

I would not do that to myself

The knife incidents

Or the window sill incident at Crieff Road

That is why I know my illness is dangerous and life threatening

I promise you I know I am going to stay alive

Because I get visions

And I’m aware of my future and what I’m creating

Bringing about

Who am I?

Why do I have such a severe illness?

What is it with my brain?

I am determined to stay strong 

You know I am highly ambitious

If they don’t know how the meds work

How do they restore the chemical imbalance?

Is that honestly what it is?

And why does it come about?

I have so many questions

I promise I will stay on my meds 

And continue to listen

I will always, always be there for you

In every way I can

You are like a daughter to me

Let’s make our dreams come true

And celebrate in style 

Not dream and love too much but focus on reality

Make sure we always get enough sleep

Sleep keeps us well

Baby steps and getting my demo recorded

You can’t just jump on the stage at Wembley Palice 🤣

It takes 10,000 hours

Some people have probably done 50,000 hours!

I so admire that

Never give up! Keep going

‘Keep moving’

Overcoming blocks and hurdles

‘Don’t think…do’

I need to get over my fear of failure and embrace it instead

Jump off the diving board

It is the only way I will succeed and improve

You are one of the most special people

I am so lucky to call you my niece

Have fun, stay wise

Sending you the best, most supportive cuddle

I am with you in spirit

Keep dancing and smiling

You are truly beautiful 💃🏼 

ORGANISATION

DEDICATION

INFILTRATION

GENERATION

PENETRATION

EXALTATION

GLOBAL NATION

Believe me when I’ve done it! 💃🏼💦

XXI.IX.MCMLXXII

With your tambourine crown

Dancin’ with every girl and boy in town

This was meant to be a song

But I thought I’d keep it peaceful

Without noise

Because you’re used to that

You remind me of someone

With your front

But then underneath you’re like a teddy bear

That I just want to cuddle

So on top you can be like an alligator

You can bite

And throw your toys out the pram

But that’s cos you’re protecting how you truly feel

And it’s sensitive

So wear your tambourine crown

And your parkour like amour 

Cos I love your front

Brimming with attitude

Shaking those maracas 🪇 

The Jimi Hendrix of percussion

But l also love what’s underneath

Maybe some feel they’re scared to show it

Or don’t wanna get hurt

You have a heart of gold lad

Oasis is magic

Are you the best band in the world? 😁

Belief is everything

Otherwise what else do we have?

I wonder if we’ll meet one day

When the tours over

And you’re chillin’

There’s zen in the chaos and the noise

There’s peace in the silence

Love flows through you like water

When you’re running

God like man

‘Is it any wonder’

You wear a crown