Mirror

11 Nov

A reflection that

Echoes for centuries

A glimmer

Of introspection

That shatters

All illusion

To fragmented

Particles

Of youth

Pure truth

Of propheticism

And brutality

Being strangled

Aged six

Beaten up

With blood pouring

From my nose

Drenching my pink

T-shirt

The delicate air

Deflated from my bicycle tyres

By these broken teenagers

Two Girls

Bruised more than me

The fear I’d never felt

Longing for my mother’s

Cuddles

Alone

The trauma

Of the abuse

Under that weeping

Willow tree

People are going through

So much at the moment

Their pain and struggles

I feel it in my fragile

Core

Yet the tribal strength

That Phoenix

Brings from the ashes

Of naked torment

With her golden

Feathers

And a wing span

That covers

A galactic universe

Caught in the lightning

Screaming at the

Tectonic plates

To remain calm

When their fury

Has me thinking

About 2024

Serenity

Safety

Solace

Synchronicity

Selfless

Stability

Sanctuary

Significance

Serendipitous

Solipsism

Surrender

To your mind, naked flesh

And blood

To flourish

Free their souls

And ‘run to the rescue

With love’

Solitary Confinement

5 Nov

I can smell the concrete

The baron cold

The windowless cell

The fear beneath my feet

The enveloping darkness

The harshest rations

The metal bars

To where freedom reigns

The madness of solitude

The desperation of thirst

Quenches my cracked lips

Pacing

Always pacing

Counting

The never ending numbers

Crouching on the floor

With my head between my knees

The years

So long ago

The torture and blood

Skinny to the bone

I often think about people

In solitary confinement

And visit them

My spirit is everywhere

Forests’ bare

Setting alight with rage

Dreaming of rain

To nourish the earth

When it’s cracked

And breached

And broken

Caress the air

Fly free

You wonder

Why freedom

Is so important to me

You won’t appreciate it

Until it’s taken away

Crimson sunset

Hands that heal

Innocents jailed

For millennia

The suffering is worse

Than death

I don’t blame them

For taking crystal meth

In another universe

These aliens have a certain language

The way they move their hands

You can communicate

With everything

Technology beyond your imagination

Capabilities beyond recognition

Lie still

Peace

Zen

Solitude

Confinement

Breathe

And as the seconds feel like hours

Take haste

Escape

In your land of dreams

Dimensions expand

No space and

No time

Illusive dance

My magic trance

INSIDE YOU

22 Oct

Travelling through

Your healing hands

A glistening light

Tantric delight

So I’m aware

Of how to method act

But really the temptation

Is to pass through you

Beautifully true

The Lord’s Prayer

‘Forgive us our trespasses

As we forgive those who trespass against us’

I know I shouldn’t do it

But being inside you

Is pure heaven

Those veins

That skin

Those scars

That sin

Your stomach

Your heart

Your mind

Sublime to find

I wanna pass through you

Hydrate you

When water touches my lips

The astral traveller’s psychedelic mystical trips

Oil

11 Jul

Just Stop Oil

Are you fully aware of what a planet is like without its dependence on oil?

I am but it was a very long time ago

No bicycles

No cars

No planes

No trains

No joints being fixed

No boilers

No gas

No plastics

No phones

No clocks

No tick tocks

Completely different homes

We can walk

We can run

No gun

We can ride horses

Eat courses

In a different way

I’m prepared

We’re fully able to live without oil

But do you truly understand what life is like without oil?

Think

Please

Because we’re on the brink

🆘

Forest Fires

30 Jun

The magnitude of courage

To overcome

Niagra falls of emotion

The depth of knowledge

From the drought of fountains

Catching alight

The plight of damage

I can feel it coming

In strength and waves

Mother nature’s wrath

Of human greed

It goes from bad to worse

And with my third eye

Awakening

Crying out to the mountains

Where it takes millennia

A delicate stream

Of dedicated equilibrium

The scales have broken

This never ending song

What’s it gonna take

For you to listen and change

Draw breath

From your current influx

Of pace

All these words

Lost to a cause

An environmental minister

Quits

Due to your apathy

And blind state

The urgency needed

Contrasted with your

Negligence

Leaves the animals

Dead

With their blood on your hands

Silent screams

And dead machines

Fumes blare out

Children rage

You bury their dreams

The stars shy away

The other universe

Watches still

And they pray

For us to stop

And listen

Slow down

What are you doing?

Where are you going?

What are you thinking?

It’s coming

The grass is dry

The roots are thirsty

The fire within me

Matches the forest fires

Written now

Counting down the seconds

I hate the wait

I hate the weight

Of what we’re carrying

On our shoulders

The shoulders

Of giants

All lay dead

Next to the ants

Who needs to wear pants?

When we’re naked

Truly bare

And broken

I can’t begin to tell you

Where I’ve been

In the last month

And all I’ve seen in the last five minutes

You’ll see within the next few weeks

Forest Fire

Oh so dire

Catch me on the wire

Pump up another tyre

This planet’s mire

We miss you

17 May

James, Annelie, Aunty Jane, Joy, Granny Lulu, King Grandpa, Suzie, The Mercury Man, River Phoenix, David Bowie, John Lennon, Prince, Amy Winehouse, Iris, Grace

and countless others

We’ve all experienced loss

We’ve all experienced grief

When you’re surrounded by

spirits

When you can sense and

feel their energy

Or sometimes their distance

Knowing they’re not far away

Just somewhere over the rainbow

I’ve shed waterfalls of tears

When it comes to loss

James, diagnosed with

Schizophrenia

But such a beautiful soul

I remember biking to Hurlingham

With you

Singing Bob Marley songs

Whether you fell or jumped

It doesn’t matter

Because I know you flew

Those visions I get of you

On the other side

In a boat

On the water

Coming to see me in bird

form

Walking on my own

And telling me to look back

To see the perfect rainbow

You were such a beautiful

writer

Such a delicate energy

I still feel you sometimes

But the distance feels greater

Annelie

We lost you to alcohol

But those piercing blue eyes

And white blonde hair

Your art on the walls

in Vermont

The colours you used

Telling me how you were

feeling

I spoke to a guy in AA once

When I was leaving GA

He said he loved alcohol

more than his wife

more than his life

The Buddhist monks created

alcohol

The spirit

When it takes hold of you

The affliction of the addiction

Feels stronger than you

That’s when you need

Your higher power

To surrender

Step 1

of the 12 Steps

‘God, grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot

change

The courage to change the

things I can

and the wisdom to know

the difference’

Annelie came to see me

as a bird in Vermont

She told me to look after

her partner

my uncle Tom

And I will

Aunty Jane, without you

I wouldn’t have my flat

So I am grateful to you

Every day

For your kindness towards Will,

Laura, Mill and me

Without child

We remember staying with

you in Croydon

Your dogs

Your sandwiches

You turning up four hours

before Christmas lunch

It was hilarious

But we loved you for it

Running down to see you

in our pyjamas

After opening our stockings

You were under 5ft

I think your growth was stunted

When Grandpa lost his leg

In the war

The shock

We miss you

Joy

What a magic sister you were

to Granny Lulu

In the end you lost your

mind

to Dementia

But I could see you were

just in your own world

And I drew comfort in that

Granny Lulu

What a gift you had

It’s in your blood line

With the name St Clair

Your gift was strong

Thank you for all the love

and memories with Grandpa

In Portugal

In your flat

Watching Little Lord Fauntleroy

My Fair Lady

These films had a big impact

On my life

You always gave me such

wise advice

You battled Osteoporosis, had

a quadruple heart bypass,

several strokes

Having to learn to walk

again

Yet you never complained

Had a unique relationship

With each of your grandchildren

and Cami

Your great grand daughter

King Grandpa

Cami gave you that name

And boy, it suited you

I remember you sitting at

the head of the table at

Jules’ for Sunday lunch,

Christmas, any occasion

Becoming more and more

outrageous as the years went

on

The way you cared for Granny

So much love and devotion

You taught me so much

about your relationship with

Granny

A champion 100 yard sprinter

You held the record for 50 years

A fantastic rugby player

You joined the Grenadier Guards

And danced with The Queen

Fought heroically in the

Second World War

Losing your leg

On that Fateful Day

21st March at noon

The same day and time

That your uncle, Geoffrey Bassett

Lost his life in the First

World War

Who you were named after

But you continued on

With style

Marrying Granny

Giving birth to your two children

Michael, my father and Julia

Running a successful drinks

company

You brought us so much joy

and laughter

We still love you

And sometimes I sense you

At the most random of moments

‘Love you darling Al’

You never seem that far away

Suzie, we never met

But Tom has told me

You were the most incredible

healer

With a rare powerful gift

Your husband told Tom

You still continue your

work in heaven

And you really do

People like you are rare

gifts

That graced this earth

We are all fortunate due

to your powers

You seem to continue on

And we are forever grateful

The Mercury Man

Where to begin dear Freddie

My Rock God

Your power on stage

Your pace

Your skill

Your voice

Your laugh

I remember when you came

through briefly

Telling me I was born to

be on stage

I’ve never forgotten

And continue to learn

from everything you achieved

in life

Taken by Aids

But your last song saying

The words ‘ I still love you’

Well I still love you Freddie

River Phoenix

What a life

What a soul

Not sure who it was who

came through

Some kind of connection to

your spirit

Looking through my photo

albums

Teaching me how to cry

When I was at Drama

School

Telling me all your siblings’

names

So many visions

So many stories

Who knows what it was

But it felt so real

And the revelations were

incredible

David Bowie

What an artist

What a revolutionary

Your music

Your make up and costumes

‘John, I’m only dancing’

Leads me on to

John Lennon

One of my favourite lyrics you

wrote

‘Why do you think you’re

here, when you’re everywhere’

Everything you achieved with

the Beatles

and as a solo artist

I remember the time when

you came through

When your son Sean

was writing Friendly Fire

My favourite jeans

and t-shirt

I was often barefoot at

that time

Such creative times and

memories

You were shot

Taken suddenly, unfairly

But your work lives on

Imagine, that album

Along with Queen got me

into writing songs and lyrics

Prince

What an all round genius

of a musician

I am learning more about

your work, your moves

and what you did

recently

My brother was always a

big fan of yours as is Tom

Amy Winehouse

Where to begin

You achieved so much in

such a short space of time

Your soul voice

Your unique nature

Pretty sure it was your

guidance that led me

to meeting someone

that night

Always there sometimes far

Sometimes close

It was the drugs and drink

that got you in the end

part of the magic 27 club

You will always be remembered

Iris

What a friend you were to

Cami

Taken too young

So many rainbows

So much light

Such an incredible spirit

You are sorely missed

Taken by a tragic accident

Grace

The only sister to three

brothers

You died at seventeen

I’ve never cried so much

at someone’s funeral

It’s been fourteen years

Since you died

Such a beauty

An amazing swimmer

So creative

I remember that time

a bird came to my

window sill and I felt

it was you

I love your family and

your friends

Your grace lives on

There are so many others

We have lost along the

way

Everyone can relate to

grief

They are not far away

Some people we have lost

in life

People drift apart

But we carry on living

Almost in parallel lives

We are all a lot closer

than we realise

no need to ever feel

alone

We care

Any they’re just over there

Doctors Who Smoke

16 May

I wrote this piece once
Doctors smoke
I put it up on poetry.com
But they took it down
They would
There are doctors who smoke
The drinking culture at Kings
Was obscene
There was this one girl
A student
Who used to make herself
Sick
Just so she could drink more
But the ones who smoke
They know the negatives of smoking
But there are positives of smoking too
Believe it or not
I’ve looked them up
I used to smoke American Spirit
As it doesn’t contain chemicals
The real killers
It kept me in tune
With the native Americans
And the rituals associated with smoking
So I’m in Agios Nikolaos
In a waiting room
With my boyfriend
Who has just had an ECG
Which is normal
So we’re waiting to see the doctor
Diabetes type II
Which I did a presentation on
During my Access course to Medicine
And another one at Kings
Sleep Apnoea
FND
High blood pressure
Anti depressant withdrawal syndrome
Due to Venlafaxine
Do you know how it feels
To be me?
Do I know how it feels
To be you?
I do try to understand
Yes there’s the method acting
But there are also my senses
And my gifts
I wanted to work in A&E
And/or research medications
Because most of them are terrible
With dire side effects
Treat the cause
Not the symptom
Like most western medics do
You need to look at your health overall
Tongue analysis
Heart rate
Nutrition is absolutely key
And how much exercise you need
You’re individual, unique
It’s fascinating and important
To get to know your genes and DNA
We are in the dark ages
But we haven’t always been
If you look to the East
And you look to the past
There’s a lot we need to remind ourselves
Meditation
Vibration
Healing
Kinesiology
Reiki
Your chakras
Biokinesis
So with all that’s going on in the world
And trust me there’s a lot
Try to stay calm
Level headed
Sleep is vital
For literally everything
I’ve saved three lives
In my life
All in a different way
One, the Heimlich Maneuver
Another, a baby who had a severe dairy allergy
Which I told his mother about
But she didn’t listen to me
Until he was in hospital and could hardly breath
I said doctors don’t study nutrition
And that cream’s got lactose in it
If you don’t take him to a nutritionist
He may die
So she did
And he got better
The third, I used my gift
Which I don’t often do
But this spirit was frenetic
So I passed on what he had to say
And days later she told me
‘You saved my life,
I was going to put rocks in my pockets
And jump off a cliff
But after what you did
And what you said
I didn’t
Thank you’
I tend to block it out
That gift
But I’ll use it if I have to
Otherwise it’s too distracting
And to be honest
I’ve got enough to focus on
With the living
Do you suffer from anxiety or depression?
The two most common
Mental health conditions
Please try therapy
And if you can’t wait
Can’t afford it
Look within
And keep reading
Your gut is like your second brain
Understanding that could be the key
The real code to your web
Medication should be your last resort
Seriously
Because trust me
They’re so hard to get off
And your brain becomes reliant on them
They also damage you
The stars change colours
As do we
Make sure you do the right thing
When your colours change

When

30 Mar

When you live parallel lives

It’s almost like

You’re in a parallel universe

You continue on

Creating

With guides, prophets and

Prophecies

The biblical scriptures

Written through the air

In Aramaic

Across the leaves

Like lines drawn across

your palm

Intricate detail of forgotten

Wisdom

Effervescent rainbow luminous

Energy

Travels through the astral

Eclipse

Singing with echoes

of corridors

Sitting with the Gods

Contemplating the next

Weather phenomenon

With rare interchangeable

Indomitable nature

Transfixed with a greater

Purpose

Transcending lateral time

A poetic flow of wisdom

This parallel life carries

The fire

So I look to the waters

of equilibrium

The deep, rich earth

nourishing the plants

and trees

Without the sacred double

air sign

I’d be lost in the blackness

of space

When you learn of AI

And foresee what’s coming

Are you preparing for

cataclysmic change?

Of course the mega tsunami

clasping ancient rage

is long gone in a poetic

history

Find your calm waters

Your peaceful island under

your palm tree

With yogic tranquility

And summon the grains

of sand

Poseidon watches over holding his

Trident

We will always need

Aphrodite but don’t forget

Hermione in this fight

Finding Orestes and

birthing Tisamenus

For the procreation is

causing us strife

Once our purpose for

survival

Now our Armageddon

of undoing

Thirty years from now

there’s a power in the

wrathful sun

Too much heat, displacement,

death and damage

Warrior spirit

I look to the Saints

Show the sinners no eyes

From all their ashes

The phoenix always flies

Sacred Sting

30 Mar

Listening to your songs

The glowing flowing waterfall

of your glistening words

Your poetic trance

Sending my love into the florescent

future

Of this distant transcendent time

Do you believe in linear time?

Or can you sense that

lateral flow of wisdom

Peacefully

Splitting the milliseconds

Travelling faster than the

light years

I know you go there

Suspended in space

I can find your hands

On your gifted guitar strings

Writing your loving lyrics

For your endless favourite fans

The significance of Sting

How he moves through the

rhythm

Always focusing on the win

Distillate me

Infiltrate me

Contemplate me

Serenade me

Reparate me

The way you write

Dreamer’s time

Illusive space

Not giving anything away

I can see your face

Sumner’s Tale

Holy Grail

Immaculate proof

Madonna’s youth

I see the past wearing

Fuchsia pink

Translucent spectacles

A vivid image

Distorted glances

Becoming advances

Progressive nature

You led me

To this distant time

Travelling thoughts

Silent words

I chose to run through

your instrumental pen

I do embrace the mirror’s gift

More fear the eyes of

another

And wonder

What they think?

I ponder, recreate the truth

For discomfort or for pain

Repentance – this sin is over

Freedom, I will discover

Sacred Love

I can find another

So to now

Here we are

2023

Instilling

And true to be

Whispering wisdom

and angel kisses

Through their dreams

I’m fixing that wounded

Palace

Without hate or proponent

Malice

Giving it my all

And everything I’ve got

to create

This mystical musical

melody

Through the windows

of luminous

Rare phenomena

Galactical travel

Universal equilibrium

Every grain of sand

Held in palm fortune

To save humanity

From dying

Leo, Greta, Sting

All of us working and trying

To save our future

In the wingspan of

the eagles

Galloping across the

Arabian desert

With you on my back

Not like a tombstone

More the wings of an

angel

The pixies and the fairies

Mercury’s speed

Jupiter’s strength

Pluto’s distance but the

prophetic sentences

You let me grace

Finding you in any life

Any place

Through the lines on

your palms

Through the healing

of the rainbow and rain

The killer whale’s eye

Takes me back

To the myth

of riding them across

the ocean

Back to land

I’m gonna stand

On the giraffe’s back

Touching the plants

Sacred geometry of chance

Giving you that spiritual

glance

Oceanic forest’s

wonder

Tripping, channelling

psilocybin

We don’t need to

physically take it

to infiltrate it

Titrate it

Exhilate it

Wait for it

Escape it

Meditate it

Inseminate it

Through the South American

land

of tribal warriors

With your eldest Joe

carrying blue butterflies

Theology

Astronomy

Psychology

Philosophy

Astrologically

Dancing through the sound

In my capillaries

like tributaries

Along radical rivers

To the aorta

The oracle’s ocean

of my peaceful heart

Don’t stand so close to me

Speed, I’ll let you all fly free

Pills, Pills, Pills

28 Mar

The never-ending amount

of pills I’ve taken

Foresaken

From the age of seventeen

In adolescence

Florescence

In colour

First it was Olanzapine

That took away my ability

to think

It was pink

Toxic for my brain

And due to being vain

I lost my body

Oddly

I couldn’t concentrate on

my A levels

Or use my mind

Trying hard to find

My thoughts

Scattered organisation became

a mess

From mathematical precision

I confess

I am a neat freak

I find it pleasing to the

eye

But why oh why

are these deadly drugs prescribed

Inside, I truly felt like

I had died

So I left school

Felt like a total fool

So damaged I wanted to

drown

I had totally left my

crown

But kept going

The fight was on

Even though my spirit

had gone

Always titrated off them

too fast

How long was this mayhem

going to last?

I travelled by motorbike

to my appointments with

Dr Shur

But to be honest now

My memory was a

total blur

I couldn’t remember my

dance routines

The lines in films in different

scenes

What was I to do?

At that point I couldn’t

sue

So the revolving door patient

arose

There she goes

Admission after admission

With careful precision

The next pill was

Risperdone

Most of us think it should

be banned

But I had a plan

I’ll take my own life

Because all these pills

Were causing me too much

Strife

I’ll never be anyone’s wife

I threw a knife

At wood

In the garden

I beg your pardon

Travelling through past lives

Transcending time

I was fine

But the world had gone

mad

I screamed at my Dad

Took it out on those around me

Who I loved the most

My parents, any host

With every ghost

Who had a story

Their pain and glory

I knew I could handle it

This journey matters

So I focused on the

mad hatters

I learnt the system

Won every tribunal

and got off my sections

But boy was I bleeding

Needing

To understand why

This had happened to so

many

Watching them count

every penny

try Abilify

It doesn’t affect your

weight Palice

That state

Which I truly hate

I like to be lithe and

lean

Fit, body supreme

I need it for my work

The doctor was a total

jerk

‘What if you get ill Alice?’

She said with control

and malice

‘What would you prefer?’

I said

Try me on Abilify

Or I promise you

I’ll take my life

And die

So the choice was hers

That’s when I stare

And showed her my

truthful glare

‘Ok, ok, we’ll try you on

Abilify’

But then

I couldn’t cry

I lost weight

But was still a stone

heavier

Than my natural, leaner

state

I liked Abilify

And stayed on it for

many years

Reducing it from 10mg

to 5mg

When I was doing my

Access course to Medicine

I asked my boyfriend at

the time if there was a

difference in me,

did he notice?

For I needed to focus

and get that 100%

Distinction in every

subject

And an Unconditional

Offer to Kings College London

Pharmacology

With the intention to

learn every drug in the

book

For what they mistook

I played hockey

Scoring goals

The degree was doing

my head in

I was losing my within

With my story burning

There was such a

desperate yearning

To shout out all their

mistakes

Had we not learnt

anything through the millennia

from the East?

Or was there too much

arrogance in the West

That they had failed to

listen

What about chakras

Meridians, the electro

magnetic field?

This was all about money

and yield

I felt sick to my core

Sure, I understood it

pretty quick

These drugs are a

Trillion dollar industry

A money making machine

So moving on

I worked

Met different bands

Steel eyed focus

On the A game

Learning the craft

For my path

It wasn’t until 2016

That I really fell to my

feet with exhaustion

On Lamotrigine

Which didn’t work at all

A mood stabiliser but not

for me

I was all over the place

in mood

Had lost my stability

Oh the fragility of a

delicate soul

The drugs had really

taken their toll

2017 was the biggest

breakdown I’d even seen

in me

A long admission

Racking up their

commission

I sang my songs

I filmed

I wrote

Did a day of silence

Because I had witnessed

Violence

Being pinned down

And injected

After they couldn’t find

my pulse

I knew I was out of

my body

I wasn’t catatonic this

time

But it wasn’t funny

They prescribed me

Procyclidine

It was truly mean

What it did to my body

My prolactin levels

Went so high

The numbers went out

the window and through

the sky

My GP took note

Not the Psychiatrist

I quote

Do they even care?

What a fucking nightmare

My private psychiatrist

Eventually I went to

see Dr Hindler

He prescribed the Lurasidone

Medications have two

names

Its other name is Latuda

But oh dear

My weight was going

through the roof

I put on four stone

So of course what do I do

I moan

About my state

I told them that’s what I

hate

I’ll take my life, I swear

I’ll take it

And they knew I would

I saw a hormone specialist

who said

Try Metformin with Latuda

off label

Usually prescribed for diabetes

It will help with your

food cravings and appetite

All my clothes I was out

growing

They were too tight

Do you know what it feels

like to be an athlete

or a dancer?

And that’s what these

drugs do

They take away your

ability to move

To flow

To concentrate

To run fast

Indian dribble across

the pitch

I’d only ever played 1st

teams in hockey

For Oxfordshire and

Wiltshire

South of England development

squad

But when I returned

to hockey after 20 years

I’d lost my game

No fame

I couldn’t do what I

used to do

And I can’t tell you

how much it hurts

To lose your play

Why should I stay?

Because thanks to my

boyfriend Tom

My lovely Bear

He used his brilliant

brain and did all

the research into

Withdrawal

From antipsychotics

It takes years but that’s

the journey I’m on

So I haven’t totally gone

mad

Yes there are wobbles

and mania

But I need to ask you

to stick with me

As that’s what these

drugs do

It’s not symptoms of the

illness

It looks like that but

what it actually is, is

what the medication is

doing to my brain

The meds restructure your

brain

Not enough is known

But the research is being

done

I haven’t won

Yet

Perseverance is key

So please stick with me

Or go your own way

I don’t know if I’ll ever

be drug free

True to be

I’ll just write a song

because this journey is so long