When all I can really do is write
Let me tell you about what my body has been through
I’ve been put in a zoo eleven times
I feel like an animal tested guinea pig
I have been violated in the most horrific way
My left arm is bruised
At least it’s not my bum
When I was fifteen, I was asked to be a model
By Model’s 1
I had to go back to boarding school
I went back to them at 21
When I was lean and healthy
He said I didn’t have the right look
And should have come when I was younger
I thought that was when I was meant to be at school
What a fool he was
There’s so much I could have done
Having been inspired by Christy, Gisele, Kate and Cara
I’m such a creative
With an entrepreneurial mind
To be honest, I think he was the receptionist
So it wasn’t really up to him
My body’s been through more than most
My weight has constantly gone up and down
On and off meds
On Lurasidone/Latuda, I gained five stone
On Abilify, one stone
But I was pathologically gambling, promiscuous
Impulsive and compulsively overspending
My God, did Abilify cost me so much
£28k in debt, couldn’t think about anything
Apart from a bet
Or buying those clothes
It doesn’t block your dopamine but instead
Does something with it
They literally haven’t got a clue
Sorry this is so boring
But this is my life
Full of suffering and strife
When I’m away for the weekend
Surrounded by beauty in the countryside
Thinking about their son
Such good family friends
It’s hard to really enjoy it
Take it all in and absorb it
When my boobs are swollen again
My gut’s being damaged again
And again I’ve gained a stone and a half
In a very short space of time
On Haloperidol I was getting Parkinson’s symptoms
Shaking so much
I’ve listed the side effects too many times
I’m only going public about it
Because I’m trying to change the entire system
And I need all of your help
My friends on medication are basically physically
Fucked
Excuse my language
But they are
After a certain amount of time on them
The physical body starts to give up
And it manifests through physical ailments
They’ve got all kinds of illnesses
And the ones who don’t
Who are willing to take medication
Either can’t go to the loo
Are in pain
Or are overweight
It’s a mess
It’s a complete mess
I have no idea why they want me to take them
Pretty sure if I did
I’d be diagnosed with Dementia in five – ten years time
And I don’t write that lightly
My memory is shocking, it really is
And that is one side effect from these dreaded poisons
So what is it about people who want me on them
Suppressed, miserable, ‘stable’
What a disgusting fable
I was born to fight
Born to write
Sorry it isn’t beautiful
Like my poem ‘Rare’
It will be again one day
Once I’ve made this system fair
Because I think about every patient
Past, present and future
And something HAS to change
It’s their sick game
Whether it’s a certain kind of fame
Or whatever it takes
I have something I need to say
Please listen to me
And if it helps, get on your knees and
Pray
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