Live to Dream, Dream to Live

I was born 30th September 1983

I’ve dreamed to dance

Dreamed to act

Dreamed to sing

Dreamed to write

Dreamed to film

Dreamed to run

Dreamed to win

You asked me to perform

Something I don’t take light

Needing to learn my lines off by heart

And deliver with ease

Poetic performance

So here’s my life simply

I was born and schooled with privilege

Got diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder at 17

My life changed

Friends fade

Learnt who my real friends were

Got a secretarial diploma

Worked in property

Spent my twenties in NHS psychiatric wards

Being sectioned

Taking them to tribunal

Winning each case

Studied advanced personal training, nutrition, obesity, pre and post natal, arthritis, osteoarthritis, osteoporosis, Swedish body massage, sports massage and injury

Worked in a gym

Studied to be a doctor

Got 100% in my maths exam

It was the 2008 recession

I quit after a year

Working for a commercial real estate company

Helped out bands

Made a few plans

Worked for a Private Equity firm

Learnt what was private and understood why

Broke down in 2017

Exhausted

Pinned down

Injected again

Missed my brother’s wedding

We’re super close

Him and me

Met my boyfriend of 5 years

He has disabilities

There are struggles

But there is joy and love

Worked in retail

Learnt why I never wanted to be involved in the retail industry

Unless it was ethical, fair, sustainable

The consumerism, amount of clothes and pace of new lines concerned me

The plastic packaging destroyed me

I left

I’m now a part-time nanny

I work with Jazzi Sirius

Who I think is rare, beautiful, unique and talented

Above all empathetic

I feel protective

I have my low phases and high phases

Schizoaffective Disorder is part Bi Polar part Schizophrenia

You want to talk about mental health

There needs to be more focus on severe mental illness

Forget the stigma

I get why it’s there

We fear what we don’t understand

But I’m not afraid

It takes a lot to scare me

I think about people without running water

People who pick tea

And the coke trail cost of life

I think about the climate crisis

Greta Thunberg is my hero

I also like Amal Clooney’s work in human rights

This is more like prose than poetry

But if I’m gonna be a headline act

I need to be honest and open

Cards on the table

I’ve had a pathological gambling addiction, promiscuity and compulsive overspending on one medication

Weight gain on every other

I’ve had sexual dysfunction

I’ve never taken anti depressants

Medication should be your last resort

The system’s broken

I have many friends with severe mental health conditions

Personality disorders are a separate entity but they need help too

There’s no time for discrimination

Black lives do matter

The dairy industry can cause huge suffering

When I go into a supermarket I get overwhelmed

Thinking of every human worker

Primary, secondary and tertiary industry

Religious delusion is common in psychosis

So is grandiosity

Understanding leads to acceptance

I don’t let my diagnosis define me

It helps others more than me

I’ve been writing my life story since I was 17

I’m now 39

My dream is to make it into a film

I have ADHD

It affects us all differently

I have comprehension dyslexia

I run, I play tennis, I am captain of my hockey team

My family mean everything to me

I don’t underestimate their support

I see and know others from broken homes

I believe it starts before conception

I have no children for reasons mentioned above

But I love children

I think there are too many of us

But I think Mother Nature always finds a way

I don’t think it will be easy but we’re in this together

And if we’re on the same page

I’ve got your back

If I learnt this off by heart

And didn’t forget my lines

Maybe there’s hope for my damaged brain

Memory’s a muscle

I can be lazy

I’m in awe of dancers

I was told I was a Russian Prima Ballerina in a past life

I remember spinning on stage

I have an affinity with certain classical music pieces I remember dancing to

A nurse in the Second World War

An effeminate Persian masked prince

Who kept his identity a secret while dancing

And would gallop across the desert

I get visions from my past lives

Going all the way back

I’m open to your views and opinions

Easily swayed

I have innate confidence

My self esteem needs work

I find it hard to let go from people I shouldn’t have in my life

I’m not married

Freedom and peace are two of the most important things to me

My favourite things in the world are sleep, dancing, travelling in many senses of the word and sex

So there we have it

Stream of consciousness

I wrote this in 10 minutes

At 04:49 on 17th December 2022

For tonight

I’ll put it on http://www.palice.org tomorrow

Dream to Live, Live to Dream

Peace out dudes ✌️