The Tranquility of Freedom

Passing through the time

Passively numb

Remembering all the patients

And the damage done

These psychiatrists

They’re never gonna fully understand

Permission to land

So the prognosis

The diagnosis

Of psychosis

One word

To describe

The greatest dream

You’ve ever had

Or your worst nightmare

How do I translate

It into words?

Paint it into verbs?

The first one in 1999

2000

I felt like I was carrying

A child

Hadn’t menstruated

For months

I could hear the heavens

Dr Ewen

In the GP surgery

Cold to the touch

For I had travelled

Too much

Lying down in the

Back of the car

My parents were taking me to the Priory

Of Zion?

No, it was Dr Shur

But before

I could see the stars

The guiding lights

So connected to up above

With pure love

Was I with child?

So to the Priory

And Dr Shur

I remember the room

‘Alice, can you hear me?’

‘Alice, are you hearing voices?’

I stayed silent

Stared right into his soul

Saw his whole

He spoke to my parents

Adolescent Psychosis

Was his diagnosis

Prescribed Olanzapine

Oh, boy that was truly

Mean

So they took me downstairs

To a room

‘Would you like to stay here?’

Oh God, my fear

‘No, I think it will make

Me more ill’

I truly feared the precognition

Of that pill

So my parents took me home

And this is what my poor

Father had to do

Can you imagine?

After everything he had

Been through

At the Priory

The ECT

The damage to his sensitive

Brain

People, I can’t tell you

The pain

What would we gain?

From him giving me

This pill?

Would it make me more

Ill?

So he took it out of the

Packet

The racket of its metal

Jacket

And I took it

What happens next

Is the Devil’s work at best

For I saw all the animals

Dying

The heaven’s I could hear

Crying

My middle name

Carrying no shame

About what was about to

Happen

I bled

I bled a lot

It felt like a miscarriage

My mother pointed

At the dot

I looked at it

Was it really immaculate conception?

For I was a virgin

Why was I bleeding

So much

Why could I hear the

Heaven’s saying

What do we do now?

My higher power

They will never believe me

Will I ever write it down?

The weight of that

Thorned crown

For I was not Jesus

I know who was

I’ll never remind him

My soul mate

There is a reason

We forget

Some things I will never

Reveal

They’re too sacred

I needed to heal

I slept a full night’s sleep

I hadn’t slept for a week

Why couldn’t they have

Just kindly sedated me?

I needed to pray

And keep listening to God

My guardian angels

And spirit guides

This journey is going to be

Long

I’ve written my song

The next day I felt drugged

To the core

Heavily sedated

I couldn’t run

It overtook my brain

The torment and the

Pain

For I yearn

What is there to gain?

Maybe he’s now

Invisible

Flushed away

God will always find

A way

The Holy Spirit

So if my son is invisible

Imagine the power

And his ability to

Heal

But oh Lord this

World is such a mess

The borders on the countries

I confess

There are so many of us

Here

They shall not recognise

You

They will not see it in

Your eyes

There will be my

Disguise

God’s mysterious ways

So many days

I have kept this a

Secret from all of you

Religious delusion?

To me, it felt true

I can feel it in my love

My blood

The chalice

The name Palice

My brother gave to me

For my name is

Alice

My middle name is

Mary

My surname Palau means Palace

My cousin Camilla

St Clair

And my Grandmother

Lulu

St Clair

My great grandfather

Lewis Gower Williams

A vicar

Maybe that is why I

Feel I know the bible

So well

I have never read it

But the chapters just

Come to me

Every word but don’t

Forget

At first there was not

The word

I will explain it

Like a bird

At first there was the

Thought

What you have not

Been taught

For the sacred scriptures

Of every faith and religion

Are often being

Misinterpreted

Misconstrued

That causes me serious

Strife

In this life

I have so much I

Would like to reveal to you

What I feel is true

My psychoses are very

Important to me

The revelations

So please, please, please

Let me be

And I will try to explain

Through the healing of the

Rain

Maybe this is my book

For what you took

From me

And all the patients

Patience is a virtue

Silence is a gift

For I pray

And I will stay

There is so much to write

My possession

The confession

And God’s speed

Running through me

To exorcise

That dark force

The way it felt

To run that fast

Literally supernatural

Speed

The unreal greed

Of that possession

But I will write about it

In another piece

I was 17 years old

I was born on 30th September

1983

So it was the year

2000

You do the maths

You don’t have to believe

Me

To be honest I thought

Of taking the secret to

My grave

But I’ve decided to

Be brave

You wanted to know

The truth

That was my youth

There are some sacred

Things that you cannot

Prove

Get into the groove

Find your happy place

The answers are not written

On your face

They are in your hands

Your palms

The psalms

Dear Lord

I shall remain calm

Peace be with you